Find Your Wings

To the two greatest love of my life.

Mama loves you both.



It's only for a moment you are mine to hold
The plans that heaven has for you
Will all too soon unfold
So many different prayers I'll pray
For all that you might do
But most of all I'll want to know
You're walking in the truth
And If I never told you
I want you to know
As I watch you grow


I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

May passion be the wind
That leads you through your days
And may conviction keep you strong
Guide you on your way
May there be many moments
That make your life so sweet
Oh, but more than memories

It's not living if you don't reach for the sky
I'll have tears as you take off
But I'll cheer as you fly

17 Most Important Things To Remember

1. Never give up on anybody; miracles happen everyday.

2. Be brave even if your not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.

3. Think big thoughts, relish small pleasures.

4. Learn to listen. Opportunity sometimes knocks very softly.

5. Never deprive someone of hope, it might be all they have.

6. Strive for excellence, not perfection.

7. Don't waste time grieving over past mistakes. Learn from them and move on.

8. When someone hugs you let them be the first to let go.

9. Never cut what can be untied.

10. Don't expect life to be fair.

11. Remember: Success comes to the one that acts first.

12. Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.

13. Remember that nobody makes it alone. Have a greatful heart and be quick to
acknowledge those who help you.

14. Never underestimate the power of a kind word or deed.

15. Laugh alot.A good sense of humor cures almost all of life's ills.

16. Don't miss the magic of the moment by focusing on whats to come.

17. Watch for big problems. They disguise big opportunities.

Hitam Putih Kehidupan

Dedicated to all those poor lost souls........, Words to ponder.


Lihatlah sekitar alam
Dunia luas terbentang
Langit tinggi kebiruan
Pohon-pohon kehijauan
Hembusan bayu yang menyegarkan

Dengarkan di sana-sini
Beburung riang menyanyi
Berbunga aneka warna
Sumber kedamaian jiwa
Mensyukuri nikmat Maha Esa

Begitu berharga kehidupan ini
Bagi mereka yang tahu menghargai
Mengapa terdorong oleh perasaan?
Kalau turutkan hati diri menjadi korban

Tiada yang dapat lari dari masalah diri
Hadapi lah dengan tenang
Setiap cabaran yang datang
Atasinya dengan keimanan

Sekadar buat renungan
Untukmu teman tersayang
Hitam putih masa depan
Sendirian menentukan
Hidup ini usah persiakan

Thoughts To Ponder----Why? Why? Why?

Interesting!

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

So what's the speed of dark?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops On my desk, I have a work station..

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?

Why does the word "Filipino" start with the letter F ?

Why are the copyright dates on movies and television shows written in Roman numbers?

Angry

I have been given the run around by the agents these couple of days and i'm starting to lose it. My boiling point has gone way above my head and in rage + fury, I decided to seek advice from the authorities. After much discussion, they cautioned me to lodge a police report just to save my ass and protect my family from harm.

These bloody Indonesion agents.

I am extremely upset and appalled by their dishonesty and unprofessionalism. We did everything right and instead of helping us with our needs within the said period, they wanted to rip us off.

Lesson learnt. The hard way.

State of Zen-ness???

A good friend of mine had recently told me that I’m finally “zen” after being stuck in an emotional coma for quite some time. The truth is, my friend is dead right.
I can’t deny the truth of longing to gain employment in the near future but I find staying home therapeutic. I get to wake up next to my babies, prepare my son for school and to tutor him after. I find staying home not all that bad. There’s always tonnes to do at home (especially when little Erin’s home), I can watch TV anytime I want and I love the time I have for myself after I put the kids to bed at night. I definitely have more time for myself and I definitely would never trade this for anything else in the world. I have all my worldly possesion right here in the comfort of my own home and that’s priceless!!!!

My Charitable Son

I was up at 5.45 am to prepare my son for school. After nearly 5 minutes of wheedling, he finally awoke and of course griped about not getting enough sleep and he had an ache in his arms…he would need an arm sling to go to school. (Yesterday it was his left leg and had requested a crutch!). After mustering every atom of my strength to pull him out of bed, he nagged his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth and bathe, whilst I prepared his breakfast of Nutella on toast. I had to pack an “extra” meal for him as he often comes back home with hardly a ringgit on him, and usually offering his lunch to every kid in school I guess.

He had came home from school yesterday and handed me a ringgit of his pocket money. His dad had given him RM4 in the morning before sending him off to school with Zul. After inquiring for the rest, he nonchalantly told me….,

Son: I had given the money to my friend, mama
Me: Why?
Son: Oh, because he had no money to eat.
Me: Yeah, but you guys were already heading back home, why dial nak duit lagi?
Son: Mmmmm….donno….?? He said..nak 1 ringgit, so I give lah.. (smiling fretfully…)After nagging and telling him about the dangers of handing your money to strangers, he had agreed to not do it again. Fine.

His father came home and asked him what he did with the pocket money Uncle Zul had given him this morning. Confused, I queried…Zul had given him money too?

Yes, he said, RM4 from me and another RM4 from Zul. He had RM8 on him this morning. I could see my son pale faced and was stoic as a rock….creeping slowly, unnoticed while singing “All Star” all the way to the bedroom.

EZANE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cried out to my firstborn.

Son : Actually, I was doing sommersaults in school and the money fell out. I lost it all. And mama, I bought Ben 10 jigsaw puzzle from the book shop, a Solivite, keropok lekor, and ice cream..and my friend “pau’ed” a ringgit from me.
Me :Why didn’t you tell me this earlier? What happened to the rest of the money, Zane?
Son: Donno. I forgot lah!!!!
My son.

She

She is my best friend. My sounding board. Partner in crime. My cousin. How many people can say that your best friend happens to be your cousin? Try and beat that!!!

We’ve been stuck together like glue for as long as I can remember and I cherish every moment spent with her. We’ve been through thick and thin, through hardship, starvation, emotional turmoils, lousy men, etc….feuding families, you name it.
We sat next to each other in kindie, went to the same school in primary, and secondary. We coincidentally took the same course in college, ended up in the same class and graduated pretty much the same time. We parted ways shortly after, only meeting up once a while to catch up on the latest gossips, clubbing.

She’s married to my best friend and is deliriously happy with him. She had found her soul mate, I would believe! I’m glad for her. She cleaned up well. You see, it wasn’t an easy breeze being who we are. We were labeled the black sheep of the family, but we had stuck together and proved the ‘bitches’ wrong.
She’s the only soul in the world who gets a kick of my “Redneck Texan” accent and would laugh at my jokes. Loves my “Yo Mama” jokes and could fall off her chair, laughing with hysterics!!!!1 We could talk crap for hours on end, bitch about the world and joke about it. She has been my pillar of strength through my trying times and I appreciate what she has done for me. Remember my first presentation babe? I hauled ass and tossed my cookies and cried all the way…. Yuck!!!! We couldn’t give a “rodent’s flipside” about what others might think of us. Everyone seems always have something supportive’ to say bout us, kan? That shows they really do give a damn………………..NOT!!!! I sometimes wish that they see life the way we do and actually live it.

She has stood by me, became my family when my own had forsaken me. My shoulder to cry on and a true confidant. She has been really tolerant with me for so long and what can I say? There will never be others who can ever replace you. And I love you to death. Till death do us part ok, pardner????
She’s my best friend, cousin, partner in crime, really!
A fine lady who had been there for me through thick and thin, the only soul that I divulge everything to. She has been my life line, family, friend, and she plays a crucial part of my existence, especially when everyone else in the world thinks I’m a letdown. She is my pillar of strength when my world came crashing down on me.

Luv ya!!!!
What I’ll miss:

Our road trips

Our “what if” chats in our hotel room.

Having our seafood dinner kat Genting House after a long hard day.

Our bitching sessions, and to forget our crying ones too.

The road blocks with JPJ. That one’s a classic!!!!! Note the big “L” sign on my forehead woman!!! I will NEVER forget that scene you pulled with the pegawai….

Singing to Daddy Yankee and of course, I’m horny!!!!

Tak Melayu Hilang Di Dunia

While watching a Malay show this morning, (I was bitching as usual of course!) my hubby and I got into a heated showdown on why I have this sheer hatred for the Malays. Yes, I do realize I’m a Malay woman, born to a Malay father and a Filipino mom. But I can’t help but loathing the fact that I’m a Malay sometimes.

I don’t detest the Malays, don’t get me wrong!! It’s just that I’m repulsed on how blase they are on their views on life and its values. They’re a bunch of lazy narcissistic bunch who thinks they’re so privileged, simply because of their Bumi status, that they’re impervious to change!!!! I have a lot of Malay friends who shares the same opinion as I do. I ain’t gonna get my panties in a twist and label myself as being racially prejudiced. I’m just not too fond of them, that is all. Racism aside, the Malays tend to be unbending to change. We have this obsession on being the best at all our endeavors, but find ourselves failing miserably, “The Jack of all trades, but master of none! We always pin the blame on others for our failures.

”Dalam setandan pisang, tak kesemuanya busuk”

Nonetheless, I do hold reverence for a man who I truly admire. Tun Mahathir and his ideologies on how to “reform” the mindset of this pitiable bunch we call the “Malays. During his reign as our premier, he was devastated by the fact that he wasn’t able to accomplish his aim in reforming the Malays. He wanted the Malays to prosper and thrive, to be on par with other races in terms of modernization and economic change. He said that he had failed miserably in ‘revolutionizing” us. He saw that we were lagging and wouldn’t budge!!! The Malays are too contented being where they are. After battling tooth and nail for our rights for 22 years, he admitted defeat saying that we were unbending and stubborn to face any “change” that was handed to us. We “bitched” way too much. Masuk angin keluar asap!!! He created a furor for voicing his thoughts, rapped for uttering the ‘Melayu Mudah Lupa” catchphrase. We tend be a ‘hangat- hangat tahi ayam’ lot! We are half hearted when it comes to our pursuits, never doing anything all the way, hauling our ass at the slightest hint of peril! We’re constantly trying to find our footing in the world, (for well over a 100 years and complaining still) when everything is served to us in a silver platter. We failed to see the opportunity being served to us, but rather nitpicking on how the prospect’s being served. And yes, and it has to come with a silver spoon……and a manual. And yet we bitch on why we’re lagging behind others. D’UHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

We have been leading a sheltered life for way too long. The untouchables!!!

Don’t even get me started on our men. Like Hang Tuah once said “Takkan Melayu Hilang Di Dunia” but shortly after expressing these famous words, he hauled his warrior ass and disappeared into oblivion!!!! Some warrior!

Missing Myself

I’ve been bitching a lot in my postings lately, lots of angry thoughts swirling in my head….surprise, surprise.

Truth is, I am MISERABLE.

Don’t get me wrong, I love having my babies with me, at least my nights aren’t so lonely now. How I wish I could be “ME’ and still be a good mother to my children. There are restrictions of what of what I can do and it bums me out. Instead, I’m cooped up at home, cooking, cleaning. I don’t really have time out for myself. How do I say this without sounding like a self-centered biatch?? The truth is, I miss ME. I miss having some time for myself. I’m frazzled all the freaking time. It doesn’t help that I constantly have guests here all the bloody time. I want to watch TV whenever I feel like it, even sleeping in late, sitting on my couch, laptop on my lap…., THIS IS MY BLOODY HOUSE!! Tried telling him about this, but all I got was SILENCE! Learn sure to deal.

I’m tired of wearing a mask and to keep everything bottled up inside. I’ve been doing this my entire life. I want a chance of living for ME for a change. Is that too much to ask? Well, I guess it is. It cuts like a knife and I’m deeply wounded. I don’t know how long it’ll take,.let’s just hope it’ll pass before I go absolutely bonkers!!!!!!! I seriously don’t know how much more of this I can take, dreading each day, wishing it’s all a bad dream and that I would snap out of it. Some say it’ll pass…something good will come out of it, they seem bloody sure of it. Time is moving at a slug like pace and it’s difficult to deal.

My life has become pretty routine and somewhat mundane. I used to be this free spirited woman, but now it’s becoming pathetic….All I see is myself sitting in a corner, waiting for my life to start. How can I live like this? And for how long? This is it for me?

Self Loathing

26th December 2009.

I am fat. I feel fat. I feel like my ass is spreading its cheeks like ‘kembang semangkuk” the malays call it. My jeans feels a bit snug and my bra is somehow cutting off the air supply to the rest of my body. I’m eating like a bloody swine and everything I chow down immediately takes up residence in my ass…and my chest..and my face…everywhere. I feel utterly useless at this point as I have feel like I’ve lost my entire self possession.

I hate being fat, and the fact that I’m prohibited from making a living certainly has its effect on me. When I’m cooped up at home.. well, there’s nothing much to do except eat…till kingdom comes. I’m not sure if I can take this anymore as I am hurting myself

I miss working and the financial freedom that comes with it. I miss being in control of my own life and my spending. Not being dependent on anyone. I’ve been quite self-sufficient all my life, but now I just feel like a worthless nobody.

5 Hours of Freedom

After being a good girl for the past 2 weeks, meaning taking instructions without argue, keeping my mouth shut when I’m about to scream profanities, I was finally allowed a few hours of freedom…, it gets better…I get to do it alone!!
5 hours of sheer peaceful bliss all by myself. Call me a loner, recluse, but I love my freedom more than ever before.

Arrived at “The Curve” at 3pm and headed to Starbucks for my Mocha Frapp!! Yum!!!1
Sat down and dived into my book..pausing briefly to watch shoppers in their Christmas shopping frenzy, that was a sight for sore eyes, at least for mine lah.
being cooped up at home for months, I was certainly a breather to be finally be out. I get to be myself again. I can read in peace, and drink my coffee, not caring about the rest of the world. Now, that’s utter bliss for me. Pure and simple. I really cherish my time alone as it is sort of a luxury for me these days.

*Double Sigh*

Reminiscing

My hubby got talking last night reminiscing our younger days as kids. In my previous post, I had written about the “stuff’ i did when I was a kid.

As for him, it was a whole different ball game.He had led a pretty "sheltered" life, shall we say! As the youngest member of the family, the “adik” wasn’t allowed outside as he was ‘allergic’ to sand, grass and MY GOD, the SUN!!!he would have this really breakouts - I called them ‘kudis’ though he had another word for it. Hahahaha.
Whenever he went outside, he would have to wear knee length stockings to “protect” his bits.

He has always gotten his way with his parents, and they would always give in to his demands for toys and sorts. If he didn’t get the things he wanted, he would throw a fit and scream bloody murder till his parents were forced to give in to his demands. (I got this scoop from his mom and his siblings..all 6 of them)

“Kereta kayuh”, Hot wheels, plastic soldiers all sissy stuff- lah. Lets just say, he was into indoor games..unlike me, I loved playing outdoors, hence the scars on my forehead, legs and arms..from faling off trees, balconies…cars, bikes…u name it…I’ve got the scars to prove it. *wink*

Now that I’ve got kids of my own, I sometimes quietly observe each and every one of them. Ezane is a quiet little boy, with a soft and gentle nature. The best son a mother could ever hope for. He’s obedient and mellow. He’s the best brother a sister could ever ask for too. Very much into dinos, animals, and transformers. Loves Science. He can do the somersault with just one hand quite fabulously, very athletic, loves the outdoors, unlike me …, a S-L-U-G!!. He has not once raised his voice to me and he’s big on hugs. Doesn’t eat anything else other than bread with Nutella and apples. Yes, the apple of my eyes!!!

Little Erin can be quite a handful at times. A dare devil I’d say. My days are usually spent chasing her around the house, pulling her down from the grill, TV bench, dining table. She can be quite ‘tenacious’ sometimes…, if she doesn’t get her way, she’ll scream bloody murder till you give in to her demands. Loves to pose for the camera. A little ankle biter, that girl!! Unlike her big bro, she’s got a quite an appetite, for yogurt and mango.

How I wish I could have more clowns to spend my days with! My life would be a circus!!!!

Never Give Up

I found this funny but inspiring cartoon from my email. I find it as one of the best representations of determinism and persistence. Most of us may have been in the frog's shoes one way or the other, but only few must have slipped out of the bird's throat. Simply because we have lost the will to fight or have just given up and lost hope. In every hopeless situation we are in, we must learn to accept it, so that we can deal with it and cope with it until we are able to get out.

Chocolates!!!

"Life is like a box of chocolates. You’ll never know what you’re gonna get" Everyone probably knows the famous line by Tom Hanks from the movie Forrest Gump. However I have a different view. Life is not like a box of chocolates. It’s like a jar of jalapenos, what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow!!
Life is not always a box of chocolates. It's not always full of surprises. Life is not always sweet, and tasty and good that somehow you may not want to savor it over and over and over again. Most of the time it's full of dissappointment, and anguish and hatred. All the things that make life sour.

Happiness is a hard-earned commodity in life. Sometimes you would find your luck, most of the time you won't. Life is not here for us to enjoy. Life is work and survival for us to continue living, in order to exist. For most of us then, life is like a box of sour grapes, and rotten eggs and spoiled cookies.

I was watching the movie last night and it hit me!! I wonder then how Forrest Gump came out with such an idea that life is like a box of chocolates. How is he different to us? And I came out with the very obvious answer. Forrest has a different outlook in life than most of us. He always think positively. He always think that everything will turn out the best, not good but best. He is very optimist on all the things that he does. Even when there's a storm, he is determined to have a good catch of shrimps. He thinks that a man without legs can be as rich as Bill Gates or perhaps even richer.

Forrest has these: positive outlook, sheer determination and ignorance. Yup, he simply ignores all the things that put him down. He doesn't know failure. His total ignorance of all the bad things makes him invulnerable to failure. He is not focused on his success alone but on his will to succeed. Success comes in later.

If we can emulate his very positive outlook, then we can enjoy life so much we want to savor it again and again and again. If we are so determined to achieve what we want, there's a greater chance for us to win our long-sought happiness and success. And in the end, we'll realize that "Life is like a box of chocolates." Afterall.

Life Manual

Never tell a person who is experiencing deep sorrow "I know how you feel" because you don't.

Never risk what you can't afford to lose.

Once a year, go somewhere you've never been before.

Remember that the formula for great love is communication + respect.

When declaring your rights, don't forget your responsibilities.

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of good luck.

Life is full of lots of up and downs

But the distance feels further

When it's headed for the ground

And there's nothing more painful

Then to let your feelings take

You down

It's so hard to know

The way you feel inside

When there's many thoughts

And feelings that you hide


All of the times

When everything is wrong

And your feeling like

Theres no use going on

You cant give it up

You have to work it out

And carry on

Time Off

This has been a tough couple of months for me. Apart from the shocking turn of events just days before Hari Raya, my life had seemed to take a turn for the worse. There’s so much to think about and too many things to do. I no longer wake up all cheery in the mornings, apart from not being able to get proper sleep, my sleep has been wrecked with nightmares. By the time I get to work, I’m already weary from the commute from the house to my workplace. By the time I meet my colleagues, I’m sullen and despondent.

The recent turn of event was so unexpected that I had hit rock bottom.

I have decided to take some time off work this week to get this shit cleared once and for all. It’s simply no use for me to go to work and leave abruptly to attend to yet another crisis. I’ve decided that enough is enough. I’m going to deal with it once and for all.

If my lousy husband can’t help me, then I shall help myself!!!!!! Screw him coz he got me into this hellhole in the first place!!!!! Friends and family can be sympathetic but there’s always a limit to the level of compassion they can proffer you. It’s all you in the end, no one else. I guarantee a day with me will kill them. The others won’t even survive a day if they were to have a glimpse of what I go through and how I live each passing day. The office has given me a “word of caution” earlier last week but I decided to soldier on and get this settled once and for all. If they can’t help to understand my predicament, then I would rather they zip it. If I don’t get this settled, I won’t have a roof over my head….Hmmmm…what do I do? What do I do??? You people retreat to your respective homes at the end of each day, kick back and do what the hell you wanna do….well, it’s not that easy- peasy with me, darlings. I now know that you want things done, you have to do it yourself. No one else can help you. Can’t really blame them, they’ve got their own lives to live.

There’s a lot on my plate now. Counseling, impending divorce, lawyers, appointments with lawyers & counselors, court hearings, family, baseless accusations, breach of trust, work, threats, warnings….NO, not everyone can handle this much stress. Not even me, for that matter. Many a time, I would beseech God to just take me away. Apart from losing appetite, hair loss, eye bags, irregular periods and constantly being irritable, (which people often mistaken me as being a rebel!!!) I just don’t see the point of dwelling in my sorrows. I will now direct on how the plot of my life will go from start to end. I will no longer listen to anyone but myself. My life has been pretty much a puppet show, and I was the puppet!!!!! Call me a rebel, radical insurgent, defiant, headstrong but I will take charge from now on. I have no time for baseless accusations, for some people choose what they want to hear and to choose what they want to see, without asking me how I feel about it. I’m weary of constantly having to explain myself to people who are feeble weaklings themselves, especially when I’ve got my hands full of other pressing matters. If you can’t give me the buoy up, then please retreat and walk away. However, this will not dampen my spirits and I will continue the journey, head held up high.

A Woman's Worth

Everyone wonders.. how does she do it??????

A mother with 2 kids and no father to support them. The woman with malady, ailments, who still manages to come out on top. The grandmother who is forced to be a mother yet again because of her daughters blunders.

I wonder myself and I still have a long way to go. But I believe that they all have one thing in common….

The Real Strength of a Woman

The ability to shield themselves from the hurt while in others view. The ability to make their children believe that everything will be ok. The ability to make everything ok despite their hurdles. It is easier said than done, I will tell you that. The ability to stay close to God despite how arduous it may seem. The ability to be strong and remain a brick wall for their loved ones. A real woman can console others even when she is worse off. She can find it in her heart to somehow give, even when no one is giving her. She can endure many hardships and sacrifices because of the ones she loves. Yet she somehow still remains strong.

I still don’t fully know the strength of a woman, but every woman out there that I’ve seen, met or come into contact with all possess these qualities in one way, shape or form.