I'm not sure why that matters: I've heard it's who I am now that counts, it's just that sometimes I wonder what parts of myself got left behind. I'll stumble across a memory and it'll seem so foreign. I'm sure it's a sign of my age.
I’m turning 32 next month, so I'm by no means geriatric - but I'm all grown-up. That concept, aspired to for so many childhood years, and dreaded from the moment I reached 18 and realized clubbing and drinking wasn't half as much fun when it was legal.
I'm grown-up because I can no longer down 10 vodkas and claim to be sober. I smoke, I know it’s bad for my health. That’ll be the death of me, I’m sure! I have cellulite on the backs of my thighs. My hair is way too short. I'd love to lose like a 100 kilos, if only for everyone to tell me I was too skinny and have to eat cake until I put it all back on again. Yeah rite!!! I love food too much to diet. I absolutely have no freakin’ idea where life will take me. I have a good job, but still feel I should've achieved more.
From eighteen to twenty-four, I was a party girl. Been there done that kinda girl. I broke some hearts and also had my heart broken once or twice along the way. I lost sight of my sensible streak i guess and just wanted to be out there. Then I got hitched and had kids. I've almost gone full-circle now, my serious side is back in power. I've kept most of the same friends, and have new ones too. Some people have faded away, that makes me sad sometimes but I think that's life - people move on and build their own lives.
This past week I had a bit of a crisis over all this - the fact that I have no definitive plan, I've never had expectations of where I should be at this age or what I want to achieve before I'm 35. I haven't mapped it all out. Having said that, I've seen people get very upset where they've made plans which haven't come into fruition, so maybe it's a good thing that I just take it as it comes.
One of my best friends made me feel better the other day.
He said, " Sita, sometimes, you have to try and imagine how you as a child would see you now, and all the things you have achieved."
Looking at it that way, I think there's lots that my child-self would've been quite pleased with.
That made feel much better. And it’s a sign that “I’VE NOT GONE ENTIRELY BONKERS!!!”
Now for another mug of steamin’ hot coffee!!!
"The Kiss"
Do you remember your first kiss? A friend asked me the other day!
I don't mean all of those offhanded family greetings or cheek grabbing smooches from long lost aunt with badly fitting teeth and questionable intentions. I'm talking about THE FIRST Kiss!!
The kiss that you thought about long before it took place.The kiss that made your feet popped??? The kiss that made u fuzzy all over?
The kiss that you dreamed about day and night as your hormones fought your young body and subdued rational thought.
The kiss that you hoped would set you free from the bonds of childhood and lead to something more.
The kiss that would seal a pact between you and the object of your desire.
The kiss that promised so much.
Do you remember it now?
Do you remember the dryness in your mouth and upon your lips? Do you remember the thoughts that ran through your mind? You know...the thoughts of...
"What will he think of me?"
"Can I do this right?" Am I doing it right?
" Shit!I should've taken mints before.."
"How should I hold their face, stroke their hair..., should I keep my eyes open, Do they expect tongue on the first kiss....????
Do I even know how to use tongue?"... Hahahahaha.....OMG!!!
How did we EVER achieve that first kiss?
Do you remember as you approached each other, as your faces came closer? Do you remember the electricity of those lips and the warmth in your lower body as you embraced and mashed your lips harder together in lieu of any technique or full understanding of what a kiss involved?
Did you remember their name?
I don't mean all of those offhanded family greetings or cheek grabbing smooches from long lost aunt with badly fitting teeth and questionable intentions. I'm talking about THE FIRST Kiss!!
The kiss that you thought about long before it took place.The kiss that made your feet popped??? The kiss that made u fuzzy all over?
The kiss that you dreamed about day and night as your hormones fought your young body and subdued rational thought.
The kiss that you hoped would set you free from the bonds of childhood and lead to something more.
The kiss that would seal a pact between you and the object of your desire.
The kiss that promised so much.
Do you remember it now?
Do you remember the dryness in your mouth and upon your lips? Do you remember the thoughts that ran through your mind? You know...the thoughts of...
"What will he think of me?"
"Can I do this right?" Am I doing it right?
" Shit!I should've taken mints before.."
"How should I hold their face, stroke their hair..., should I keep my eyes open, Do they expect tongue on the first kiss....????
Do I even know how to use tongue?"... Hahahahaha.....OMG!!!
How did we EVER achieve that first kiss?
Do you remember as you approached each other, as your faces came closer? Do you remember the electricity of those lips and the warmth in your lower body as you embraced and mashed your lips harder together in lieu of any technique or full understanding of what a kiss involved?
Did you remember their name?
The One Where I'm Done With Everything
I'm having one of those weeks where, from an emotional aspect, I've been running a short fuse. There's this pathetic excuse for a human being whose on to me! With that, and along with a number of situations, involving a number of people, have all just become unbearable in one fell swoop. I've reached that limit where I'm beyond irritated at everyone and everything. The result is that I've felt moody, introspective and ill tempered for days now. I'm done with this funk, yet am seemingly unable to shake myself out of it. Seriously, sometimes I just hate people. I hate the way they are so selfish and thoughtless to a point of no return. I'm not saying I'm above these things, but I sure as hell know that this is not the place I primarily act out of. And I suppose, because I am always trying so hard to be the exact opposite of these things, that I am extra-impatient and lacking in empathy for people who are basically like this all the time. And given the shit I've had to take the last couple of weeks (or really, we could go back a month to the crap that happened just before my was broken into), I am just done.
Done! Done! Done! Done! Done!.
But unfortunately, I will have to continue dealing with them, and in a couple cases, will have to confront some things head on. Which is a whole other mess unto itself. Urgghhhh!!!!!! How i wished life would be easier for me. Going through it alone, head -on doesn't really help. I feel like i'm running in circles with no definite stops! Feel this tremendous urge to just pack up and get away from it all.For once, I just want to close my eyes and make it all go away. I'll sleep with one eye open!!!
Girls Nite Out!!!
Had a night out with the girls. My over- the- top- whacky- girls! They’ve been pestering me to venture out more.Getting an earful from them since last month! They complained that I’m never around to lepak with them, and I decided.. Why the hell not? I deserve a fun night out. Being at home alone all the time..Well, it does things to you!! Being a frequent traveler has taken its toll on me. I’m always travelling, I don’t have time for much else. Left the clubbing scene months ago..Valentine’s Day with the girls @ Q-Bar. That was the last.
So, come Saturday nite, we went prowlin. Checked out the clubs first!
“ Envy” was too crowded and “littered” with expats and Gwailo’s! Yuck! We left the club 10 minutes after that.
“Frangipani” was worse. The girls bitched about it being too contemporary. I agree. No one was shakin’ their booties and the music was too “Feng Tao’d” for my liking. Downed my Shirley Temple and the girls decided to go to “Basavanh” in Kiara, since I’ve never been there before. They called me the “Basavanh Virgin” and insisted that I go check it the place out. Fine. Off we went to Kiara.
The guys were already there when we arrived, so they went off to scout for seats for the girls. Got to our seats and in 5 mins, our table were laden with drinks of sorts. Nice.
The music, R&B and hip hop. Verrrrrrrrry nice. The crowd? Not too rowdy! Better crowd here compared to Envy. Had a couple of “naughty” drinks myself but I was determined not to go binge drinking……..
.
.
.
.
.
Anymore!
Reason being…..
My friends say that I’d get EXTREMELY giggly when I’m stoned. They say it’s cute to see me like that. Cute ah? What cute- cute? I must’ve looked silly just gigglin’ away at strangers.
Anyhoo, we danced the night away and I seriously had fun. Fun that I’ve not had in months. Friends often tell me to loosen up a bit. Are they suggesting that I’m an uptight- straight- home- after- work- watch -sitcoms- on –telly- till- i- pass- out – on – the- couch- kinda- chick? Yup, sounds about right! I do enjoy my time alone. I’m just being responsible. Not to do the “self reflect” kinda shit but I do time out for MYSELF. There’s no one to please or make small talk to when you’re alone. Boring as it may sound but at least I’m content with my life….well, apart from dining alone and sippin’ coffee till my heart palpitates, I’m actually having fun doing it. I wish the kids are with me though! *Sigh!!!
To Aida, Imah, Idah, & Fiza….what more could I say??? You guys were a blast to be with. We definitely rocked the club that nite!!! We should definitely do this again….and again…and again…..!!!!
To the guys, Faizal, Faraby, Hussein & Man, thank you for taking good care of us girls. U guys definitely brought the house down that night!!
Maybe I’ll treat myself to a nice, sexy little black dress come payday! Something to think about!!!! Nice………..
So, come Saturday nite, we went prowlin. Checked out the clubs first!
“ Envy” was too crowded and “littered” with expats and Gwailo’s! Yuck! We left the club 10 minutes after that.
“Frangipani” was worse. The girls bitched about it being too contemporary. I agree. No one was shakin’ their booties and the music was too “Feng Tao’d” for my liking. Downed my Shirley Temple and the girls decided to go to “Basavanh” in Kiara, since I’ve never been there before. They called me the “Basavanh Virgin” and insisted that I go check it the place out. Fine. Off we went to Kiara.
The guys were already there when we arrived, so they went off to scout for seats for the girls. Got to our seats and in 5 mins, our table were laden with drinks of sorts. Nice.
The music, R&B and hip hop. Verrrrrrrrry nice. The crowd? Not too rowdy! Better crowd here compared to Envy. Had a couple of “naughty” drinks myself but I was determined not to go binge drinking……..
.
.
.
.
.
Anymore!
Reason being…..
My friends say that I’d get EXTREMELY giggly when I’m stoned. They say it’s cute to see me like that. Cute ah? What cute- cute? I must’ve looked silly just gigglin’ away at strangers.
Anyhoo, we danced the night away and I seriously had fun. Fun that I’ve not had in months. Friends often tell me to loosen up a bit. Are they suggesting that I’m an uptight- straight- home- after- work- watch -sitcoms- on –telly- till- i- pass- out – on – the- couch- kinda- chick? Yup, sounds about right! I do enjoy my time alone. I’m just being responsible. Not to do the “self reflect” kinda shit but I do time out for MYSELF. There’s no one to please or make small talk to when you’re alone. Boring as it may sound but at least I’m content with my life….well, apart from dining alone and sippin’ coffee till my heart palpitates, I’m actually having fun doing it. I wish the kids are with me though! *Sigh!!!
To Aida, Imah, Idah, & Fiza….what more could I say??? You guys were a blast to be with. We definitely rocked the club that nite!!! We should definitely do this again….and again…and again…..!!!!
To the guys, Faizal, Faraby, Hussein & Man, thank you for taking good care of us girls. U guys definitely brought the house down that night!!
Maybe I’ll treat myself to a nice, sexy little black dress come payday! Something to think about!!!! Nice………..
Father's Day
It’s Fathers Day.
It’s too difficult to write anything about my dear Papa. I always get choked up and cry. But just to let you know dear Papa, that you’re always in my prayers. I think of you all the time. I carry you in my spirit and in mind. You’ll always be the “King” of my heart, and I’d trade my life to just steal a final glance of your face or even hear your familiar soothing voice. Even if it’s just a soft whisper…it’ll do. You had the patience of a Saint.
You said that I had the most beautiful smile you’ve ever seen. True. I got it from you!!
I miss preparing your “kopi” in the mornings, I miss sitting beside you during TV time. I miss our special after dinner karaoke sessions. I miss our duets of Sinatra and P. Ramlee. You had the most amazing voice. I miss listening to you singing “I Did It My Way” and “ Di Mana Kan Ku Cari Ganti.” It’s no fun anymore, now that you’ve gone. I’m blessed to have had you in my life. I’m proud to be Dr. Mohd Hashim Noor’s daughter. I’m proud to carry your name in mine. May You Rest In Peace my darling Papa. I dedicate this song to you coz I think all you every time I listen to it! I Love You!
Back when I was a child,
Before life removed all the innocence,
My father would lift me high,
And dance with my mother and me,
And then spin me around till I was asleep,
Then up the stairs he would carry me,
And I knew for sure I was loved,
If I could get another chance,
Another walk,
Another dance with him,
I’d play a song that would never, ever end,
How I’d love, love, love
To dance with my father again.
When I and my mother would disagree,
To get my way I would run from her to him,
He’d make me laugh just to comfort me,
Then finally made me do just what my Mama said,
Later that night when I was asleep,
He left a dollar under my sheet,
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me….
If I could steal one final glance,
One final step,
One final dance with him,
I’d play a song that would never, ever end,
Cause I’d love, love, love,
To dance with my father again.
Sometimes I’d listen outside her door,
And I’d hear how my mother cried for him,
I’d pray for her even more than me,
I’d pray for her even more than me………
I know I’m praying for much too much,
Why couldn’t You send back the only man she loved,
I know You don’t do it usually,
But dear Lord,
She’s dying to dance with my father again.
Every night I fall asleep,
This is all I’d ever dream.
Al- Fatihah.
It’s too difficult to write anything about my dear Papa. I always get choked up and cry. But just to let you know dear Papa, that you’re always in my prayers. I think of you all the time. I carry you in my spirit and in mind. You’ll always be the “King” of my heart, and I’d trade my life to just steal a final glance of your face or even hear your familiar soothing voice. Even if it’s just a soft whisper…it’ll do. You had the patience of a Saint.
You said that I had the most beautiful smile you’ve ever seen. True. I got it from you!!
I miss preparing your “kopi” in the mornings, I miss sitting beside you during TV time. I miss our special after dinner karaoke sessions. I miss our duets of Sinatra and P. Ramlee. You had the most amazing voice. I miss listening to you singing “I Did It My Way” and “ Di Mana Kan Ku Cari Ganti.” It’s no fun anymore, now that you’ve gone. I’m blessed to have had you in my life. I’m proud to be Dr. Mohd Hashim Noor’s daughter. I’m proud to carry your name in mine. May You Rest In Peace my darling Papa. I dedicate this song to you coz I think all you every time I listen to it! I Love You!
Back when I was a child,
Before life removed all the innocence,
My father would lift me high,
And dance with my mother and me,
And then spin me around till I was asleep,
Then up the stairs he would carry me,
And I knew for sure I was loved,
If I could get another chance,
Another walk,
Another dance with him,
I’d play a song that would never, ever end,
How I’d love, love, love
To dance with my father again.
When I and my mother would disagree,
To get my way I would run from her to him,
He’d make me laugh just to comfort me,
Then finally made me do just what my Mama said,
Later that night when I was asleep,
He left a dollar under my sheet,
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me….
If I could steal one final glance,
One final step,
One final dance with him,
I’d play a song that would never, ever end,
Cause I’d love, love, love,
To dance with my father again.
Sometimes I’d listen outside her door,
And I’d hear how my mother cried for him,
I’d pray for her even more than me,
I’d pray for her even more than me………
I know I’m praying for much too much,
Why couldn’t You send back the only man she loved,
I know You don’t do it usually,
But dear Lord,
She’s dying to dance with my father again.
Every night I fall asleep,
This is all I’d ever dream.
Al- Fatihah.
The Climb
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
The pain I'm knowing
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
The pain I'm knowing
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith
Flying Without Wings......
Dedicated to a special someone!
Everybody's looking for that something
One thing that makes it all complete
You find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be
Some find it in the face of their children
Some find it in their lover's eyes
Who can deny the joy it brings
When you've found that special thing
You're flying without wings
Some find it sharing every morning
Some in their solitary lives
You'll find it in the words of others
A simple line can make you laugh or cry
You'll find it in the deepest friendship
The kind you cherish all your life
And when you know how much that means
You've found that special thing
You're flying without wings
So, impossible as it may seem
You've got to fight for every dream
Cos who's to know which one you let go
Would have made you complete
Well, for me it's waking up beside you
To watch the sunrise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
At any given time or place
It's little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine
And it's like flying without wings
Cos you're my special thing
I'm flying without wings
And you're the place my life begins
and you'll be where it ends
I'm flying without wings
And that's the joy you bring
I'm flying without wings
Everybody's looking for that something
One thing that makes it all complete
You find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be
Some find it in the face of their children
Some find it in their lover's eyes
Who can deny the joy it brings
When you've found that special thing
You're flying without wings
Some find it sharing every morning
Some in their solitary lives
You'll find it in the words of others
A simple line can make you laugh or cry
You'll find it in the deepest friendship
The kind you cherish all your life
And when you know how much that means
You've found that special thing
You're flying without wings
So, impossible as it may seem
You've got to fight for every dream
Cos who's to know which one you let go
Would have made you complete
Well, for me it's waking up beside you
To watch the sunrise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
At any given time or place
It's little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine
And it's like flying without wings
Cos you're my special thing
I'm flying without wings
And you're the place my life begins
and you'll be where it ends
I'm flying without wings
And that's the joy you bring
I'm flying without wings
All Girls Bangkok Trip
The best trip ever with my wacky cousins to Bangkok. Girls, let this be an annual thingy ok?
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