A Ride Closer

Narrowed down finally. Used car of course.
Insyaallah kalau ada rezeki dan jika diizinkan Tuhan.





 

Toyota Rav4

I'm deliriously happy.

Will- FULLY ME..

My other half had called to say that he's coming back to Malaysia soon. I guess it is great news since there's a lot of unfinished business to be dealt with and it would be nice to have some assistance once in a blue moon. To alleviate the stress level sometimes lah. I've been doing most things alone since he left and it's not half bad I am proud to say. Yes, there would be days when I would be running around like a headless fowl but I have gotten so used to this way of life that I have absolutely nothing to whine about...well, at least not anymore. I would love to go back to work, sometimes I day dream about going in for an important presentation and having power lunches with the bosses. I felt needed at the time and I knew I was indispensable to most of my bosses, all these gained through years of hard work and playing smart.

You see, I wasn’t born to be a brainy anything. I was sickly child who was beaten down with a catalogue of ailments which brought a ton of worry for my parents. When I was younger, I was told that I was very lucky. I possessed charm, wit, cunning and insight. These are the 4 traits all girls needed to survive in the world. This “someone” also told me to take care of my “charm” as I don’t possess any other weapons at my disposal. (only to prove this ball buster's theory wrong during my college/ working years). I didn't need my "charm" to blow people over, but I employed the other 3 traits that she thought I had failed to salvage from my mother’s womb in my haste to be born.

Yes, I realized that I didn’t quite have the brains like my other siblings. I had to work extra hard at everything. I often found myself constantly thinking, pondering, worrying about everything! Whilst my sisters often aced their exams, I was the one relentlessly pleading with my teachers (often brutally rebuffed for my efforts..! ) to give me the "C" instead of the dreaded "D" in my report card.

I fondly recall  my hostel warden cum maths teacher En. Marzuki aka Firaun. He had gotten so used to signing off my meal docket as “ Sita Setan”(complete with Satan's horn and crap!) that he had completely forgotten my full name when we met years later. We had the pleasure of meeting when I headed a presentation for the Ministry of Education and he was a participant of the brief. As it turned out, he was one of the Head Master’s from a neighbouring school. Shocked as I was, he had commended me for coming this far in my career. He had thought I would end up being a measly salesgirl or even worse, in prison because I was such a demon in school. We both laughed it off. Yes. As a teenager I was a rebellious headstrong rebel who would never cease to amaze my teachers with my willful behaviour. A wayward character who would always get into a brawl in school and was coerced into attending countless counseling sessions to deal with my rage and my rebellious ways. My parents had no idea what the hell was wrong with me. They couldn’t find what was right with me either! As counseling didn’t help, I went into several episodes of educational blunders during college but I somehow graduated with a double scroll which I haven’t a clue as to how I acquired it in the first place. Miraculous, isn’t it? Anyhoo, with that little scroll I had at my disposal, I was determined to make it big in the employment world. And I did it after years of gruesome working hours, and dealing with bosses from Lucifer’s garden of evil. I had to work extra hard at work but sadly, nobody gave it much thought to my efforts or struggles, this including my better half. I didn’t seem to care what the others thought of me as I wasn’t trying to score points with anyone but myself. I was in competition with myself. I gave myself a pat on my back for a job well done, rewarded myself whenever I aced a presentation or lauded myself after each glowing appraisal from my bosses. Painfully so, I learned to trust only me.

The thing is, these are just the things that I often muse over about during my moments of solitude. My “what if” moments.

Where would I be if I hadn’t left?

Why do we always seem to be in competition with others?

Have I put my education into good use?

Have I made my father proud?

This made me later realize that the whole being in competition business is solely built on ego, vanity, self-satisfaction, and it's total crap to pretend it's not. I often look at a day when I am supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when I lounge around doing nothing but rather it's when I’ve had everything to do, and I’ve done it.

I have wondered at times what I was doing out there. Over the years, I've given myself a thousand reasons to keep running, but it always comes back to where it started. It comes down to self-satisfaction and a sense of achievement. Though I feel like I've yet to achieve my utmost excellence (career wise), always in dispute with myself asking whether I have given it my all, I do know that somehow settling for a lot less is the greatest satisfaction that I have ever submitted myself to. I just cannot believe how long it took me to realize this simple theory.

The Vow.....

The vow.

The concept is really rather simple.

Those who take it promise to stay together....., for better or for worse....., for richer or for poorer......, in sickness and in health.........,to honour and to cherish. We vow to forsake all others until death do us part.

Yes, the vow seems simple enough. Finding someone worthy of such a promise is the hard part. But if we can, that is when we can really begin to live happily ever after. If "happily ever after really does exists".