Missing Myself

I’ve been bitching a lot in my postings lately, lots of angry thoughts swirling in my head….surprise, surprise.

Truth is, I am MISERABLE.

Don’t get me wrong, I love having my babies with me, at least my nights aren’t so lonely now. How I wish I could be “ME’ and still be a good mother to my children. There are restrictions of what of what I can do and it bums me out. Instead, I’m cooped up at home, cooking, cleaning. I don’t really have time out for myself. How do I say this without sounding like a self-centered biatch?? The truth is, I miss ME. I miss having some time for myself. I’m frazzled all the freaking time. It doesn’t help that I constantly have guests here all the bloody time. I want to watch TV whenever I feel like it, even sleeping in late, sitting on my couch, laptop on my lap…., THIS IS MY BLOODY HOUSE!! Tried telling him about this, but all I got was SILENCE! Learn sure to deal.

I’m tired of wearing a mask and to keep everything bottled up inside. I’ve been doing this my entire life. I want a chance of living for ME for a change. Is that too much to ask? Well, I guess it is. It cuts like a knife and I’m deeply wounded. I don’t know how long it’ll take,.let’s just hope it’ll pass before I go absolutely bonkers!!!!!!! I seriously don’t know how much more of this I can take, dreading each day, wishing it’s all a bad dream and that I would snap out of it. Some say it’ll pass…something good will come out of it, they seem bloody sure of it. Time is moving at a slug like pace and it’s difficult to deal.

My life has become pretty routine and somewhat mundane. I used to be this free spirited woman, but now it’s becoming pathetic….All I see is myself sitting in a corner, waiting for my life to start. How can I live like this? And for how long? This is it for me?