In A Quandary.......

My beloved offspring had recently queried my responsibility as a mother. In between sobs, he had asked me why can’t he come home just like the other kids. And that why doesn’t his baby sister sleep with Mama anymore? I was flabbergasted..of course because it came from my 7 year old son. My son almost never cries. And for him to convey how he felt to me…….it takes a lot of grit as he is petrified of me. I have always thought that he prefers everyone else over me, as I have not really made my presence known ever since he was a tiny baby. He was always under someone else’s worry. I wasn’t there enough to shower him with love and affection that he so desperately needed before . That is the reason for him being timid and reserved, especially when it comes to the matters of his heart. That I observed about him. Not once has he uttered out his discontent with me, not once….until last night, when he cried and couldn’t even utter a word without choking up tears. He felt thwarted and was in so much grief. I have never, ever seen that side of him before. He must’ve thought this through and through before taking the valiant move of telling his mother what he felt. I didn’t know how else to appease him.

I feel sorry for him.

I’m in a quandary…….what the hell should I do now?????

Berbuka Puasa With The Posse



Location : Tony Roma's, Cineleisure, Mutiara Damansara










I Yield....

My son came home to be with me today. I was thrilled to have him by my side and cooked his favourite dishes…fried chicken.

I bathed him around 7.00pm and helped him to towel dry himself.. while I was at it, he suddenly lunged towards my chest and hugged me tight. Then he started crying. He was crying so hard as if he’s been hurt badly somehow. I was stunned. My son was sobbing and couldn’t speak a word when I asked him why he’s crying so suddenly. I asked him if he misses his dad, he said no. Erin perhaps? No. Then what is it I gently asked him in between sobs. Whats the matter Zane? Please tell Mama why you’re crying. You have to tell me otherwise I can’t help you. This went on for 10 minutes or so..I was at my wits end as I didn’t know how to appease my beloved offspring. He came out and sat on the couch, still tearing and sobbing. I told him to calm down, take a breather.

I then asked him again…”Why are you crying Ezane? Tell me please.”

Then he said these words that broke my heart into pieces.

Son : Mama, can you not work so much? I miss spending time with you. I want to stay with you now. And I miss sleeping with you. Please take me and Erin home. Let Papa work and give you money ok? You don’t have to work anymore.

I was rendered speechless. Flabbergasted.

Mama : So you want Mama to quit my job so that I can take care of you?

Son : Yes, Mama. (while nodding his head and hugging me).

Choked up with tears, I said… “Yes. I’ll quit and take care of you and Adik ok, sweetheart? Don’t worry. I’ll be here for you no matter what. I promise you ok?

You see my son is poles apart from most kids. He’s timid and reticent.
He doesn’t say much except when he’s with his cousins. I noticed that he keeps his feelings to himself and will never let his emotions or sentiments show. He doesn’t cry. And he’s the most obedient son a mother could ever wish for. I’m blessed to have him in my life.

It must have taken a lot for him to convey to me how he felt.

After I finally told him what he needed to hear, I excused myself, and told him that I wanted to go to the bathroom.

I went into my bedroom and tears streamed down my face and bawled. I didn’t want my son to see me break down.

I have failed my son…

I have failed as a mother.

I have failed myself.

I will do what’s right.. I will yield to his request.

My Fix


I am addicted to coffee. I don’t know when, and at what point in my life did I develop this craving but it has firmly embedded itself in the innermost recesses of my consciousness. Everyone knows I love my coffee, even my office mates. My brain refuses to function without it. And I say inmost because it has become my panacea for everything. From sleepy mornings to depressed evenings, a cupful of that brown, thick, sweet brew makes me revive like a wilted flower treated to a generous amount of spraying and sunlight. So when I sit down to write this post the first thing I do is make myself a cup of the holy grail , my brain simply refuses to function without the hallowed steam. And once that steaming cup is in my hands this potent brew can activate dormant brain cells, making me feel all witty and intelligent, depressed neurons and make me all sunshinny and optimistic, cowering neurons and give me the courage to tackle that impossible task, mend broken hearts..er well..u get the drift..

Those two hours after each cup, when caffeine controls my life, are happy and productive hours. And I have resigned myself to this sequence of life, like the phases of an unimaginative moon...the caffeinated and the non-caffeinated...
So for everything I do, I need the stimulating companionship of this beverage. Except when I am reading. And I don’t light up when I’m with a good book. A book can easily be my nicotine patch.
Which I am hardly getting time for, this year. Which makes me look back all the more longingly to rainy evenings, to the rising sense of anticipation when I used to return from the bookstore armed with an armful of books, to keeping night long vigils because I just had to find out what happened.
Books have been an integral part of my life and they have given me experiences I could never have got otherwise. They have shaped my values ..my opinions. During my teenage years, as other teens my age would exhaust their lunch money buying “Cleo” magazines, I would sneak into my parents bedroom to snatch my father’s latest copy of “Newsweek”. And I am wistful about the times when I was reading them for the first time and wish I could get them back all over again….

Buka Puasa

Feeling a tad bit on the “emo” side today. Had tapau’ed nasi campur from Puteri, went home to an empty apartment after work. For the first time in my life, I had to break fast alone today. Without family, spouse, my kids, friends. It’s just me and my nasi campur, and a small plate of crème caramel for berbuka. Before that, I had called Shahril in Miri to check up on him. He’s down with viral fever and feeling helpless, I’m sure. A dear friend had volunteered to fly down to Miri to check up on him. To make sure Shahril takes his meds. I thought that was a very sweet gesture.

Anyhoo, finally broke fast, gulping down at least 3 glasses of water. Man, I was parched.
Had maybe 2 tablespoons of food and my tummy was pleading me to stop. Placed the untouched caramel back into the fridge. Maybe I could still have some for sahur. Maybe.. as in if I could marshal the strength to get up at 4am, which is virtually impossible. Performed my Maghrib prayers, and watched some telly. Jamie Oliver was on. Man he’s cute.

Well, as I wait for my sister in law to arrive, I am now sitting on my uncomfortably on my hard sofa, “bersila” and will start blogging about something merrier. My previous postings had been about me feeling dismal about things, most of the time and it is heartrending. Am I that pitiable? Do I always need a legion of people to hang out with me? I’m sure they have better things to do with their precious time, than hanging out with me. They’ve got their own lives to live. And I shall live mine…………….alone for now.

Damn, there I go again………..