Time Off

This has been a tough couple of months for me. Apart from the shocking turn of events just days before Hari Raya, my life had seemed to take a turn for the worse. There’s so much to think about and too many things to do. I no longer wake up all cheery in the mornings, apart from not being able to get proper sleep, my sleep has been wrecked with nightmares. By the time I get to work, I’m already weary from the commute from the house to my workplace. By the time I meet my colleagues, I’m sullen and despondent.

The recent turn of event was so unexpected that I had hit rock bottom.

I have decided to take some time off work this week to get this shit cleared once and for all. It’s simply no use for me to go to work and leave abruptly to attend to yet another crisis. I’ve decided that enough is enough. I’m going to deal with it once and for all.

If my lousy husband can’t help me, then I shall help myself!!!!!! Screw him coz he got me into this hellhole in the first place!!!!! Friends and family can be sympathetic but there’s always a limit to the level of compassion they can proffer you. It’s all you in the end, no one else. I guarantee a day with me will kill them. The others won’t even survive a day if they were to have a glimpse of what I go through and how I live each passing day. The office has given me a “word of caution” earlier last week but I decided to soldier on and get this settled once and for all. If they can’t help to understand my predicament, then I would rather they zip it. If I don’t get this settled, I won’t have a roof over my head….Hmmmm…what do I do? What do I do??? You people retreat to your respective homes at the end of each day, kick back and do what the hell you wanna do….well, it’s not that easy- peasy with me, darlings. I now know that you want things done, you have to do it yourself. No one else can help you. Can’t really blame them, they’ve got their own lives to live.

There’s a lot on my plate now. Counseling, impending divorce, lawyers, appointments with lawyers & counselors, court hearings, family, baseless accusations, breach of trust, work, threats, warnings….NO, not everyone can handle this much stress. Not even me, for that matter. Many a time, I would beseech God to just take me away. Apart from losing appetite, hair loss, eye bags, irregular periods and constantly being irritable, (which people often mistaken me as being a rebel!!!) I just don’t see the point of dwelling in my sorrows. I will now direct on how the plot of my life will go from start to end. I will no longer listen to anyone but myself. My life has been pretty much a puppet show, and I was the puppet!!!!! Call me a rebel, radical insurgent, defiant, headstrong but I will take charge from now on. I have no time for baseless accusations, for some people choose what they want to hear and to choose what they want to see, without asking me how I feel about it. I’m weary of constantly having to explain myself to people who are feeble weaklings themselves, especially when I’ve got my hands full of other pressing matters. If you can’t give me the buoy up, then please retreat and walk away. However, this will not dampen my spirits and I will continue the journey, head held up high.