Racist Bigot.


This corpulent bigot racist friend of mine had recently posted an utterly distasteful remark on Facebook about how Muslims are becoming too engrossed  in the spirit of Christmas and that any Muslim caught humming christmas jingles or crap should be shot through the head. He sounded like a fucking Taliban. Shocking for someone who himself has turned all goth on himself (god knows shy!)  and thinks that women would be attracted to date boys wearing black goth shirts and trackpants! That reckless racist remarks he posted had infuriated my family especially my mother, with she being a Filipino herself. How can someone write something so demeaning not to mention posting a racist online comment for everyone to see? My mother is LIVID!!!!!  I’m not too surprised that it came from a sleaze ball like himself. He’s gotten himself in hot soup so many times before that I‘ve lost count! Hmmm..maybe he deserves a bullet right between his eyes. Being a bigot racist isn’t something to laugh about let alone to say it over and over again ONLINE. Now he’s an effing Saint????  Being a racist won’t land you a chick you shit-faced twerp! And he constantly laments on why he’s still single????  COME ON!!!!
First, I may be a Muslim but that shouldn’t stop anyone from humming, I’ve been in a church many many times before playing with the nuns while waiting for my mom for finish work, they didn’t try to convert me wattt! I don’t worship Jesus Christ. Am I committing blasphemy by humming a jingle or to roast turkey on Christmas day? Walking into a church and say what? Masyaallah? Kita tak boleh lalu gereja nanti tertukar agama plak!!!! Can anyone be THAT obtuse?
Is the Islamic faith so fragile that its sacrilegious to even discuss the subject of Christ or hum a jingle? I’m not singing praises to Christ and I’m well aware if I’m about to commit blasphemy. I know more about the 10 commandments more than you ever will you dim-witted racist buffoon (which I recall is it YOUR favourite movie btw!!!!!! Perhaps these narrow-minded assholes are the one to be shot in the head.  These caveman commentaries depict how poorly they’ve been raised by their parents and how pathetic their lives have become. Colourless, bland, pitiful!. Period. Maybe some just get obscenely obtuse when they get older like some prick I used to know.
This has been a tradition in my family for as long as I can remember, sort of reminding ourselves of our Filipino heritage. Who the FUCK do you think you are judging people like that????? Don’t  go on judging others just because YOUR own faith has shaken!
With that awful remarks ringing through my head, my family has planned in roasting the biggest, juiciest turkey this year, complete with brussel sprouts and chestnuts swimming in butter, sautéed green beans and pies….the whole works while he can decompose in his shithole, wanking himself!
 

 

A Life Lived or F****D?


A life worth living is having fully lived it. After all, you only live once and if you do it right, then once  is more than enough. For someone who hasn’t gone where she had  intended to go, I think I have ended up where I needed to be---to laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to give of one’s self,  to leave the world a little bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition, to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation, to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
 
If anyone were to size me up as a person, a friend they would probably say that I'm at times a droll yet impatient and a little insecure. That I have made mistakes to last me three lifetimes, a bit outta control, a loony bin and at times hard to handle. That is true to some point but if people can't handle me at my worst, then they sure as fuck don't deserve me at my best. I can't stress emough the magnitude of trying to unearth these discoveres early on, preferably much earlier on. But such was not my case as I was too busy trying to block all my past miseries out and try to never think of it again-----till today, when I truly wanted and needed to laugh. Which I can do as these discoveries are no longer part of my life.
 
No one holds a crystal ball that displays their future. Some say, having such would suck all the fun out of life. If I had a crystal ball that would warn me of my future failures and success, I’d be ‘effing rich and probably won’t waste another day writing down my vapid thoughts in a place where probably no one would bother reading…probably. For the most part I agree. Bearing in mind that I’ve had a few surprises come  my way that  would've been a whole lot easier had I known they were heading in my direction. Just to brace myself you know what it mean? So, no crystal ball and a  couple of vapid posts after, I am still doing what I love most. Living and writing a hogwash of thoughts into this giant void. Very 2002 some might say. Well, it rocks my boat so why the hell not eh?
 
Regardless, little surprises, both good and bad has lined the path I have walked in life. There’s no way to discover now what sits beyond our sight, nestled somewhere down the highway or a rocky path. The best we can do is explore what we want to explore in its entirety while we walk. Life is about living - not holding back. There will be plenty of time for containment once we’ve passed on, and discover such a thing no longer exists. So as we walk on, I say we do so sampling and discovering all that we can. Hopefully, we’ll stumble upon some good surprises along the way. I don’t wanna be known as the girl who grumbled about life, but rather a person who took it face on despite its wretchedness and all that life entails. There will be posts from time to time about how miserable I am, fucked by life, friends, bla..bla..blaaa BUT this is what we call life. Live life or be fucked by it.
 

Hari Raya 2012


It’s been a busy raya for me and my family. Busy stuffing my face in bamia, rendang and cookies, my girth is now officially the size of equator (not to mention the indigestion that comes with chowing bfast while takilng about what mummy’s serving for lunch…..and tea, the open houses, snacking on more crap before bed tyvm! My poor liver must be cursing now!
I’ve had heaps and heaps mummy’s’s yummylicious Bamia (it’s tradition and a must have every raya, a and I’ve had it ever since I can remember. The recipe was passed down from my grandmother from Penang, Mak Nani. What it is is actually a thick meaty soupy broth,laden in okra and beef, swimming in potatoes and yummy carrots too! I simply can’t imagine having anything else other than this stewy goodness come raya morning. The darnest thing is that the stew gets better and better than the year before. The soup thickens by the 2nd day, which is my favourite when eaten with Roti Benggali and a dash of Tokyu (kicap) which I recently purchased during a trip to Penang while attending my uncle’s funeral. I know it’s in bad form to be thinking about food for raya during a funeral but where else can I get genuine Roti Benggali in KL? The Loaf??? Anyhoo, that is Bamia folks. Forget the ketupat and rendang or whatever the others are having, but Bamia is still the way to go. I’ve uploaded some pictures of our family and my Bamia. I do hope that you’ll enjoy it!
Bamia
 
 I don’t  think I have a problem when I spend more on food for my family than my baju kurung for raya. A simple cotton baju kurung I purchased in Masjid India for RM50. It looks good, comfy and I’m very happy with it btw!
Me in my baju kurung raya
 Two things that thee kids look forward to during Raya: Firecrackers, duit raya. Period.
At Opah's House

Shahril's first Raya in 4 years. Seen here with Mama

The night before Raya, with the Takbir in the background

Mama, sisters and me....Erin crying far right

Opah with her cucu's

Mama with her cucu's

Last day Ramadan, Groupbase Restaurant

Cutie pies, first day Raya
The  kids had a crackin’ good time with their fireworks that Shahril bought from Pasar Keramat. RM 350 worth of all sorts of boom boom…. It was so loud I was deaf by the time they were done. But at least, they had fun during Raya and that’s all that matters. My kids had quite a haul for their duit raya, counting them ever so often. Sorry kids, it’s all going into your savings!

Now, where’s my bamia?

Erin. B

I was sitting on my couch, head buried intently in a book when Erin shouted from the kitchen…”Mama, you want me to make Milo for you? It suddenly dawned on me that my baby girl is going to be five.
5.
That is almost six. That is almost time for school. First, she will have to attend kindergarten. I’m sad to let her go nonetheless, but I’ve got to. She needs her independence, friends, most importantly she needs her education. She’s becoming such a monkey at home and I realize that I have to let her go. I’m going to miss having her home with me. I’m going to miss fighting for the remote when I want to watch my cooking show and she wants to watch her cartoons. I’m going to miss the afternoon naps that we take together. Sigh.
 
2010:
Erin B. enjoying her dinner in the garden 2010.
This year:
Universal Studios, Singapore 2012. Taken with her older brother, Ezane H.
She’s grown so much. So, so much. Nothing quite captures just how fast time goes by until you watch a child grow up before your very eyes. Seriously. We were out last night and she stood up and said “be right back mama, I’m going to wash my hands”. Her older brother got up to follow her and she said ”NO! Abang sit down.Tisha go” and started walking away from me in the middle of the restaurant. I put the kibosh on that pretty quickly, but that is just a testament to how independent she thinks she is. And she did it…..with soap!!!!!!
I love how I can actually have a conversation with her now. I love how she is empathetic and can tell me when her big brother is hurting ( Ezane H. was down with food poisoning last week) , and can tell me why she is frustrated or happy or whatever. I love that she can connect “You don’t love Tisha” with the fact that I wouldn’t let her do something she wanted to do (even though that isn’t necessarily my favorite thing to hear). I’m called a donkey (from her favourite Shrek movie, what else?) if I nag when she piles on too much food on her plate (which is always the trigger to my nagging-ness, or when I bising while picking up after her mess or when sing off key. She is making connections and can control her emotions and I love seeing how grown up she is becoming with it all. My only regret is that it took me forever to realize that I’m now a mother and that my kids mean the world to me. Dumb ass I know.
 
I’ve got about 10 months to go before our turn for 5 is actually here, and I’m eager to see how else my little baby evolves. This also means I’ve got 10 months to continue going through denial. Please, for the love of God, make no mention of the year of Five. Mama loves you Erin B.

No Dirty Politics Here


’Im not a person politically inclined. I’m not passionate about anything political but I know enough about their deceits. Politicians are conniving scumbags.  I don’t read the newspapers, just to save me the embarrasment of reading our so called “politicians” spew words so infantile and relentless mission to deceive us for their own personal gain…or wealth to be precise.  They’re the taskforce of lying imbeciles appointed by money and corruption and not the Rakyat. If you’ve got a gun to yr head and forced to choose between “The Sodomite” and Rosmah…errrr I mean Najib for PM, Najib would seem like the lesser of 2 evils but do we really have a choice? Given the choice to me, I would want Dr. M to rule forever. Verbal, incredibly clever, a man with vision…ecetera..ecetera..ecetera.. Pak Lah was the biggest pussy ever appointed by Dr. M. A pussy who lasted only ONE term.  I dunno lah, it’s just that I’m tired of the govt’s phony displays of holiness and our politicians tainted chant of “Kami Prihatin”. Their “Perihatiness” doesn’t hold water..(air pun kena catu how lah? Pun intented). Much is left to be desired…we need our PM”s endorsement even when we nak pegi jamban, so to speak.

An elderly OKU couple I know does not get a cent of help, (although they were called for an interview several times this year alone). What was worse was that they were talked down by the officers at the Lembaga Zakat (Banting branch) and this happened in front of my very eyes, whilst their able bodied Indonesian neighbour who own 10acres of palm oil plantation gets his bantuan kebajikan from Lembaga Zakat of RM 250.00 EVERY SINGLE MONTH! The OKU couple gets a measly RM10 from some Pakatan Rakyat dude during some so called “Kami Perihatin” berbuka puasa dinner in Sentul. Macam ni kah mau pancing undi?  Politicians are not your parents. They are your servants. You don’t need a government slogan coined by a foreign PR agency to wrap your project in. You just go ahead and do it. The country is tired of being ignored and talked down to by swaggering mediocrities.
 
 
That’s my humble opinion.

Face it, Malaysia has always been a divided nation. This speech by TRH is certainly an eye opener. It shows how deep rooted corruption is at all levels of the government and other bodies in society too. Why of course!!!! Malaysia Semua Boleh kan??? In this speech, he embodied my sentiments perfectly.

Here’s the speech by TRH recently :

“Thank you for inviting me to speak with you. I am truly honoured. I have played some small role in the life of this nation, but having been on the wrong side of one or two political fights with the powers that be, I am not as close to the young people of this country as I would hope to be.

History, and the 8 o’clock news, are written by the victors. In recent years the government’s monopoly of the media has been destroyed by the technology revolution.

You could say I was also a member of the UKEC. Well I was, except that belonged to the predecessor of the UKEC by more than fifty years, The Malayan Students Union of the UK and Eire. I led this organisation in 1958/59. I was then a student of Queen’s University at Belfast, in a rather cooler climate than Kota Bharu’s.

Your invitation to participate in the MSLS was prefaced by an essay which calls for an intellectually informed activism. I congratulate you on this. The Youth of today, you note, “will chart the future of Malaysia.” You say you “no longer want to be ignored and leave the future of our Malaysia at the hands of the current generation.” You “want to grab the bull by the horns... and have a say in where we go as a society and as a nation.”I feel the same, actually. A lot of Malaysians feel the same. You are right. The present generation in power has let Malaysia down.

But also you cite two things as testimony of the importance of youth and of student activism to this country, the election results of 2008 and “the Prime Minister’s acknowledgement of the role of youth in the development of the country.”

So perhaps you are a little way yet from thinking for yourselves. The first step in “grabbing the bull by the horns” is not to required the endorsement of the Prime Minister, or any Minister, for your activism.

When I was a student our newly formed country was already a leader in the postcolonial world. We were sought out as a leader in the Afro-Asian Conference which inaugurated the Non-Aligned Movement and the G-77. The Afro-Asian movement was led by such luminaries as Zhou En-lai, Nehru, Kwame Nkrumah, Soekarno. Malaysians were seen as moderate leaders capable of mediating between these more radical leaders and the West. We were known for our moderation, good sense and reliability.

We were a leader in the Islamic world as ourselves and as we were, without our leaders having to put up false displays of piety. His memory has been scrubbed out quite systematically from our national consciousness, so you might not know this or much else about him, but it was Tengku Abdul Rahman who established our leadership in the Islamic world by coming up with the idea of the OIC and making it happen.

Under his leadership Malaysia led the way in taking up the anti-apartheid cause in the Commonwealth and in the United Nations, resulting in South Africa’s expulsion from these bodies.

Here was a man at ease with himself, made it a policy goal that Malaysia be “a happy country”. He loved sport and encouraged sporting achievement among Malaysians. He was owner of many a fine race horse.

He called a press conference and had a beer with his stewards when his horse won at the Melbourne Cup. He had nothing to hide because his great integrity in service was clear to all. Now we have religious and moral hypocrites who cheat, lie and steal in office but never have a drink, who propagate an ideologically shackled education system for all Malaysians while they send their own kids to elite academies in the West.

Speaking of football. You’re too young to have experienced the Merdeka Cup, which Tunku started. We had a respectable side in the sixties and seventies. Teams from across Asia would come to play in Kuala Lumpur. Teams such as South Korea and Japan, whom we defeated routinely. We were one of the better sides in Asia. We won the Bronze medal at the Asian games in 1974 and qualified for the Moscow Olympics in 1980. Today our FIFA ranking is 157 out of 203 countries. That puts us in the lowest quartile, below Maldives (149), the smallest country in Asia, with just 400,000 people living about 1.5 metres above sea level who have to worry that their country may soon be swallowed up by climate change. Here in ASEAN we are behind Indonesia, Thailand, Singapore, whom we used to dominate, and our one spot above basketball-playing Philippines.

The captain of our illustrious 1970’s side was Soh Chin Aun. Arumugam, Isa Bakar, Santokh Singh, James Wong and Mokhtar Dahari were heroes whose names rolled off the tongues of our schoolchildren as they copied them on the school field. It wasn’t about being the best in the world, but about being passionate and united and devoted to the game.

It was the same in Badminton, except at one time we were the best in the world. I remember Wong Peng Soon, the first Asian to win the All-England Championship, and then just dominated it throughout the 1950. Back home every kid who played badminton in every little kampong wanted to call himself Wong Peng Soon. There was no tinge of anybody identifying themselves exclusively as Chinese, Malays, Indian. Peng Soon was a Malaysian hero. Just like each of our football heroes. Now we do not have an iota of that feeling. Where has it all gone?

I don’t think it’s mere nostalgia that that makes us think there was a time when the sun shone more brightly upon Malaysia. I bring up sport because it has been a mirror of our more general performance as nation. When we were at ease with who we were and didn’t need slogans to do our best together, we did well. When race and money entered our game, we declined. The same applies to our political and economic life.

Soon after independence we were already a highly successful developing country. We had begun the infrastructure building and diversification of our economy that would be the foundation for further growth. We carried out an import-substitution programme that stimulated local productive capacity. From there we started an infrastructure buildup which enabled a diversification of the economy leading to rapid industrialisation. We carried out effective programmes to raise rural income and help with landless with programmes such as FELDA. Our achievements in achieving growth with equity were recognised around the world. We were ahead of Our peer group in economic development were South Korea, Hong Kong, Singapore and Taiwan, and we led the pack. I remember we used to send technical consultants to advise the South Koreans.

By the lates nineties, however, we had fallen far behind this group and were competing with Thailand and Indonesia. Today, according to the latest World Investment Report, FDI into Malaysia is at about a twenty year low. We are entering the peer group of Cambodia, Myanmar and the Philippines as an investment destination. Thailand, despite a month long siege of the capital, attracted more FDI than we did last year. Indonesia and Vietnam far outperform us, not as a statistical blip but consistently. Soon we shall have difficulty keeping up with The Philippines. This, I believe, is called relegation. If we take into account FDI outflow, the picture is even more interesting. Last year we received US$1.38 billion (RM4.40 billion) in investments but US$ 8.04 billion flowed out. We are the only country in Southeast Asia which has suffered nett FDI outflow. I am not against outward investment. It can be a good thing for the country. But an imbalance on this scale indicates capital flight, not mere investment overseas.

Without a doubt, Malaysia is slipping. Billions have been looted from this country, and billions more are being siphoned out as our entire political structure crumbles. Yet we are gathered here in comfort, in a country that still seems to ‘work.’ Most of the time. This is due less to good management than to the extraordinary wealth of this country. You were born into a country of immense resources both natural and cultural and social. We have been wearing down this advantage with mismanagement and corruption. With lies, tall tales and theft. We have a political class unwilling or unable to address the central issue of the day because they have grown fat and comfortable with a system built on lies and theft. It is easy to fall into the lull caused by the combination of whatever wealth has not been plundered and removed and political class that lives in a bubble of sycophancy.

I urge you not to fall into that complacency. It is time to wake up. That waking up can begin here, right here, at this conference. Not tomorrow or the day after but today. So let me, as I have the honour of opening this conference, suggest the following:

Overcome the urge to have our hopes for the future endorsed by the Prime Minister. He will have retired, and I’ll be long gone when your future arrives. The shape of your future is being determined now.

Resist the temptation to say “in line with” when we do something. Your projects, believe it or not, don’t have to be in line with any government campaign for them to be meaningful. You don’t need to polish anyone’s apple. Just get on with what you plan to do.

Do not put a lid on certain issues as “sensitive” because someone said they are. Or it is against the Social Contract. Or it is “politicisation”. You don’t need to have your conversation delimited by the hyper-sensitive among us. Sensitivity is often a club people use to hit each other with. Reasoned discussion of contentious issues builds understanding and trust. Test this idea.

It’s not “uber-liberal” to ask for an end to having politics, economic policy, education policy and everything and the kitchen sink determined by race. It’s called growing up. Go look up “liberal” in a dictionary.

Please resist the temptation to say Salam 1 Malaysia, or Salam Vision 2020 or Salam Malaysia Boleh, or anything like that. Not even when you are reading the news. It’s embarrassing. I think it’s OK to say plain old salam the way the Holy Prophet did, wishing peace unto all humanity. You say you want to “promote intellectual discourse.” I take that to mean you want to have reasonable, thought-through and critical discussions, and slogans are the enemy of thought. Banish them.

Don’t let the politicians you have invited here talk down to you. Don’t let them tell you how bright and “exuberant” you are, that you are the future of the nation, etc. If you close your eyes and flow with their flattery you have safely joined the caravan, a caravan taking the nation down a sink hole. If they tell you the future is in your hands kindly request that they hand that future over first. Ask them how come the youngest member of our cabinet is 45 and is full of discredited hacks? Our Merdeka cabinet had an average age below thirty. You’re not the first generation to be bright. Mine wasn’t too stupid. But you could be the first generation of students and young graduates in fifty years to push this nation through a major transformation. And it is a transformation we need desperately.

You will be told that much is expected of you, much has been given to you, and so forth. This is all true. Actually much has also been stolen from you. Over the last twenty five years, much of the immense wealth generated by our productive people and our vast resources has been looted. This was supposed to have been your patrimony. The uncomplicated sense of belonging fully, wholeheartedly, unreservedly, to this country, in all it diversity, that has been taken from you...

Our sense of ourselves as Malaysians, a free and united people, has been replaced by a tale of racial strife and resentment that continues to haunt us. The thing is, this tale is false.

The most precious thing you have been deprived of has been your history. Someone of my generation finds it hard to describe what must seem like a completely different country to you now. Malaysia was not born in strife but in unity. Our independence was achieved through a demonstration of unity by the people in supporting a multiracial government led by Tengku Abdul Rahman. That show of unity, demonstrated first through the municipal elections of 1952 and then through the Alliance’s landslide victory in the elections of 1955, showed that the people of Malaya were united in wanting their freedom.

We surprised the British, who thought we could not do this.

Today we are no longer as united as we were then. We are also less free. I don’t think this is a coincidence. It takes free people to have the psychological strength to overcome the confines of a racialised worldview. It takes free people to overcome those politicians bent on hanging on to power gained by racialising every feature of our life including our football teams.

Hence while you are at this conference, let me argue, that as an absolute minimum, we should call for the repeal of unjust and much abused Acts which are reversals of freedoms that we won at Merdeka.

I ask you in joining me in calling for the repeal of the ISA and the OSA. These draconian laws have been used, more often than not, as political tools rather than instruments of national security. They create a climate of fear. These days there is a trend among right wing nationalist groups to identify the ISA with the defence of Malay rights. This is a self-inflicted insult on Malay rights. As if our Constitutional protections needed draconian laws to enforce them. I wish they were as zealous in defending our right not to be robbed by a corrupt ruling elite. We don’t seem to be applying the law of the land there, let alone the ISA.

I ask you to join me in calling for the repeal of the Printing and Publications Act, and above all, the Universities and Colleges Act. I don’t see how you can pursue your student activism with such freedom and support in the UK and Eire while forgetting that your brethren at home are deprived of their basic rights of association and expression by the UCA. The UCA has done immense harm in dumbing down our universities.

We must have freedom as guaranteed under our Constitution... Freedom to assemble, associate, speak, write, move. This is basic. Even on matters of race and even on religious matters we should be able to speak freely, and we shall educate each other.

It is time to realise the dream of Dato’ Onn and the spirit of the Alliance, of Tunku Abdul Rahman. That dream was one of unity and a single Malaysian people. They went as far as they could with it in their time. Instead of taking on the torch we have reversed course. The next step for us as a country is to move beyond the infancy of race-based parties to a non-racial party system. Our race-based party system is the key political reason why we are a sick country, declining before our own eyes, with money fleeing and people telling their children not to come home after their studies.

So let us try to take 1 Malaysia seriously. Millions have been spent putting up billboards and adding the term to every conceivable thing. We even have cuti-cuti 1 Malaysia. Can’t take a normal holiday anymore.

This is all fine. Now let us see if it means anything. Let us see the Government of the day lead by example. 1 Malaysia is empty because it is propagated by a Government that promotes the racially-based party system that is the chief cause of our inability to grow up in our race relations. Our inability to grow up in our race relations is the chief reason why investors, and we ourselves, no longer have confidence in our economy. The reasons why we are behind Maldives in football, and behind the Philippines in FDI, are linked.

So let us take 1 Malaysia seriously, and convert Barisan Nasional into a party open to all citizens. Let it be a multiracial party open to direct membership. PR will be forced to do the same or be left behind the times. Then we shall have the vehicles for a two party, non-race-based system.

If Umno, MIC or MCA are afraid of losing supporters, let them get their members to join this new multiracial party. PR should do the same. Nobody need feel left out. Umno members can join en masse. The Hainanese Kopitiam Association can join whichever party they want, or both parties en masse if they like. We can maintain our cherished civil associations, however we choose to associate. But we drop all communalism when we compete for the ballot. When our candidates stand for Elections, let them ever after stand only as Malaysians, better or worse.

-- The world is a dangerous place not because of people who do evil, but because of good people who look on and do nothing about it. -- Albert Einstein

Ola...

Hello everyone. I’m sorry for the long ass hiatus as I was busy with taking care of the family and all the drama that entails in trying to raise kids under the age of 10. Nevertheless, life has been kind to me Alhamdulillah, apart from the normal blips in trying to raise the kids (who sometimes can make me lose my mind!), I do cherish the moments I spend with them really. They keep me sane from all the madness we call Life. Hubby has been home for almost 2 months, not really sure when he’ll be going back offshore but it’s been a relief to have him home to take the load off, u know what I mean? At least there's someone to help me with the groceries and manage the fixing aroud the house, the driving the kids to school in the mornings and I have my coffee buddy. Well, all is well and I'm grateful Alhamdulillah. Oh yes, I have not gotten a permanent job yet. I’ve done quite a few freelance gigs here and there and I am happy. Besides, getting a job after 35 has proven to be quite a challenge I must say and I’m not going to beat myself up like before….but, I’ll keep trying.
Ramadhan has been kind to me this year. We’ve had iftar with all of our friends on my birthday bday and I even had a bday cake. Last week, we hosted a berbuka puasa with a few of my closest friends . Underneath the stars and despite the 5000 nyamuks that surrounded us that nite, we chatted till 5am. I am grateful to Allah indeed. I woke up with a pounding headache the next day but happy as a clam!
Preparations for Hari Raya?
Been doing “some” shopping for the kids but not for myself….yet! I intend to go full force next week and getting myself the most beautiful baju kurung I can afford. I’ll leave the baking of Raya cookies to my lil’ sis coz I can’t bake to save my life. Since my maid will be heading back home to Medan next week, I guess Il’l be helping my mom with the cooking this year. I’m no Julia Child, but people say that I whip up a pretty damn good Ayam masak merah, so….fingers crossed ya? Hubby will not be joining us this year (yet again..) but I’ll make do lah..how hard can it be? Ive been doing it for years mah..

to be continued....


Penghujung Rindu

Kerana Kau......

Kembalilah kau ke jalan yang diredhai Allah s.w.t...

Kerana kau ku bisa menangis
Dan kerana kau yang menghancurkan
Ku tiada berteman
Terkenang wajah mu aku pilu

Selangkah ku tersebut nama mu
Tak terasa jiwa ku dipalu
Oleh rindu dan dendam pada mu
Dan ketika ini dan di saat ini
Dimanakah dikau

Kau puja bulan yang mengambang
Kau pinta bunga yang di taman larangan
Kau sendakan ku punya perasaan
Dan kau menyatakan bahawa cinta ini
Hanyalah permainan

Mengapakah tak kau rasa
Bukan paras supa yang sangat ku pinta

Tapi hati yang dapat merasa
Yang kesedihan ini tak lain
Hanyalah kerana mu

Mengapakah ku diluka
Mengapakah harus ku tanggung semua ini
Tidakkah kau merasakan
Kesedihan ini tak lain hanyalah kerana mu

~Alleycats~

Where Do Broken Hearts Go?

To Penang obviously..d’uuhh!!!

I will be going on a road trip with the girls this weekend. Looking forward in drowning my sorrows with Nasi Kandar Kg. Melayu and my favourite Mee Sotong in Bangkok Lane. It shall be a feast for my tummy and soul I am sure. Food fills the void they say! Truth is, I badly need this trip and I am sure it’ll do my sister good too. Her divorce hearing is on the 1st March and it’ll be over for her and she can finally breathe a little. I pray that it’ll work out in her favour, insyaallah. I can only imagine the grief she’s going through as the court date draws nearer and nearer. God, Bless her soul.

Me? My nerves are fried with all the unwanted stress that’s been weighing me down lately. My sleep pattern is totally out of whack and my mom said that I look like an absconder from the Holocaust. It seems to her that I had aged 10 years in 2 weeks. Swell isn’t it? Oh the joys of having a conniving lying spouse does wonders to your face doesn’t it? So, where does one go to nurse their broken heart? They go to Penang and drown their miseries with a gravy laden plate of nasi kandaq!

We’ll be staying at the Northam Suite in Gurney Drive, a breezy access to all of Penang’s local food fare. I’m gonna miss my kids though but I hope they’ll understand that their mummy needs this short getaway. Will post pictures of our little trip soonest on FB and on my blog. Till then.

I shall go to bed dreaming of food, food, glorious food!!!!

Bucket List No.14.....Checked!

Well, apart from taking some time out from my writing assignments, my mediocre blogging efforts, I've decided to make use of my "free time " to fulfill my bucket list No. 14 that is being creative------ on canvas.

A couple of months ago, I  bought myself a canvas and a painting kit on a whim. It's been collecting dust just sitting there in the store room (I'm a huge procrastinator btw!) when I finally decided to give the Picasso in me a go. It took 2 weeks to complete because I haven't exactly been "relieved" of my "housewife/mommy/cook/janitor/duties,which sometimes drives me completely bonkers, I must admit! But it's a great way to de-stress, especially when I suffer from writer's block, which happens ever so often now and especially when an assignment is due! I blame it on stress but others think tt might be a huge case of "procrastination" on my part which I think is also very, very true. I just hate being rushed that's all. 

My husband is awed that I can paint with my left hand. He hasn't seen it before, but then again, he hasn't seen me paint anything for nuts either. Mmm..a leftie who paints with her left hand. What a revelation huh? Sorry hunn but seriously???? 

I looks nothing like a Monet nor is it close to being a Rembrandt but hey at least I know have I tried, right..... :)?
Hubby says it looks.....----promising.
Wow...I can just sense ALL THAT faith in me.


A week after.


The finished result...
After this, it's back to writing my brains out and back to being a huge procrastinator.

Killing Me Softly

And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt. ~Sylvia Plath


My online writing course is killing me! While I love writing as much as I do eating, dreaming among other weird things that I love doing, they too, like everything else, require time and attention and focus (yes, dreaming requires intense concentration!), and I'm generally short on all three. You might think that a "domestic engineer" like myself, would probably spend her afternoons watching re-runs of Desperate Housewives or perhaps taking down recipes on the cooking channel. WRONG! There's so much other chores to do in this house and knowing me, I'd want the house to be spotless and dust free which is probably why I mop the floors 3 times a day putting other desperate housewives to shame! At this rate, even Bree Van Der Kamp would be jealous of me! At one point, my husband came back home and said that the kitchen was in a mess and I spent half a day working on that tiny squalid kitchen of mine till it gleamed with perfection! You see, I don't handle criticism well these days, nor have I ever for that matter. Don't even get me started if he starts criticizing the way I dress. He now takes his meals through a feeding tube. Hehehee.....


Seriously, none of the work I have to do is technically difficult or unrealistic yet I manage to overwhelm myself anyway. A lot of it is me feeling like a complete failure, coupled with my ongoing battle with writers block which comes visiting every time I attempt in writing a post or even completing my assignment. My husband even bought me a pretty "little" notebook three stories thick which he thinks might come in handy should an idea hit me when I'm outta the  house or waking up in the middle of the night full of ideas on what to write. I'm now bestowed with 3 notebooks and I don’t even know where the hell it is! Did I tell you that I'm also a scatter brain? Yup, I’m a self confessed scatter brain. "A giddy or thoughtless person; one incapable of concentration or attention" as defined in Merriam- Webster.
This is just not my world and I feel like an outsider, a loser who can’t get any shit done. That doesn't help. I'm not immersed in this stuff, because the truth is, my course, my personal life are all more important to me. I keep telling myself that I'm doing the right thing, that this stress will be worth it in a couple of months, but meanwhile, it's just another thing that's killing me. Will I get there fast enough?


And finally, there's my personal life. That's killing me about as much as anything else. I can't even properly explain this, as nothing is actually "wrong." Even so, these last couple of months have felt important in a not-very-clear way (and yeah, that lack of clarity doesn't help). I've sensed some things crystallizing in me, and while it feels really, really good to know exactly where I stand on some important things, that somehow carries its own uncertainties. At the same time, I've been realizing how some things are really, truly fluid, and I am not able - nor would it be right of me - to act on any of it. This is a hard lesson for me; once I scrutinize something to its death, I am almost always compelled to act. And in the past, acting - in haste, out of pressure, because I just feel like awareness compels action - has proven lethal. To stand back and let things unfold -- this is a difficult lesson for me.


I've also realized that a lot about my personal life is not right now, anyway - in my hands, and letting go in this way, this feeling like I don't have all the control in my own life -- it basically kills me. Of course, I get that when the time comes to act, when everything's as unfolded as it's going to get, I may be up against some big, serious shit. And yeah, a lot of my stress is because of that. Life right now is not on a clear path.


Crap bunches up like this sometimes, and the stress is nearly unbearable. Ay. I need some light in this tunnel right about now...and super fast!






I'm No Jenny.

35 this year!!!



I've never considered myself attractive, but I think it's safe to say that I'm physically less attractive now than I was in days past. This doesn't bother me as much as it used to because I think I've finally come to believe that I’m no Jenny- From- The- Block or anywhere close to having a rockin' hot bod.

From this....


 I now look like Jabba The Hunt and I feel like an overstuffed toad. I’m cutting a fuller figure (and by fuller I don't mean curves!) and anything I eat takes up permanent residence in my ASS. They say food fills the void and it's been filling me alright. I try to not let it bother me too much, It's just something I wear under my clothes. It's true that this is the only body I have to wear, but I don't have to let my self image rise and fall with what I actually look like. But yes, I would like to have a smokin hot bod and I'm gonna make it my goal this year to shed at least 15 kilos of lard....for good I hope!

To this baby!!!!

I used to think I was not my body, and I thought it was a real inconvenience to have to feed it, rest it, and otherwise maintain it. I’d look in the mirror and I can the rising gag in my throat Back then, I was living in my head a lot, and I didn't see the value my body brought me. Today I'm a little more awake to things my body tries to tell me and more appreciative of its point of view. It's worth the trouble to keep it.

Doesn’t help that I smoke like a chimney and drink like a fish ,and by drinking I mean coffee, which btw I absolutely cannot live without, thanks to my sainted father! . I stared drinking this fav beverage of mine since I was 10 and got addicted to it pretty quick. I must have been 8 when I first discovered the taste of coffee, when I was accidentally mistaken my father’s cuppa for Root Beer. I was inconsolable: how could grown-ups ruin their taste buds with something as revolting as coffee? When I was 11 or 12, I still hated coffee, but fell in love with the ritual of this ancient brew. My father were thankful enough about me fixing his favourite cuppa on most mornings since the ones our maid prepared were either too weak or to strong.

I think it's important to stay healthy enough to comfortably lead the life I want, but not much more than that. I'm not an athlete or a model, so keeping my body in tip top shape would be like having the hottest car on the block. I could take it as a point of pride, but it doesn't gain me anything in practical terms!















Sita's Senarai Baldi.

As cliché as it may sound, at least I now know what are my purpose in life.

1.  The first cliche : Watch the sun set and rise.

2. To master the art of reciting the Yaasin and the Quran.

3. To each my son the azan.

4. Pass on a nugget of knowledge.

5. Spend more time with my kids.

6. To hear somebody say I love you----and actually mean it!

7. To work up the courage to tell my mother I love her.

8. Visit new places. I'm thinkin' Mecca, Maldives, Tuscany, Morocco.


9. To perform the umrah and the Haj if God permits.

10. Grow something. I’m thinking tomatoes!

11. Take more photos of family.

12. Have an attitude of gratitude.

13. Treat myself to an all day health spa.

14. Be creative….in what I’m not too sure exactly.

15. Find a favourite charity and help out.

16. Go horse riding

17. Go to a sporting event with my son.

18. To make my children’s every wish come true. (  only if I can afford it lah!)


19. Learn something new.

20. Sample foreign food (but nothing too squirmish for me thank you very much! )


21. Cook something sublimely out of this world.

22. Get tipsy with good company. Have some friends around for a few drinks and talk and laugh the night away. But I’ll settle with just having a good cup of coffee.

23. Experience Weightlessness! LOL!!! Yeah, like that could ever happen. Maybe I’m stretching it too fat….I mean far. Maybe shed 20 kilos of lard be more realistic perhaps?

24. Go white water rafting anywhere.

25. Write a screen play…..or not. We’ll see ya?

26. Teach a college class again.

27. Develop an online business that earns over RM50,000/month in passive income.

28. Build a blog with 10000+ followers. Ok, maybe I’m just stretching it a bit too far. Maybe to just author a successful blog would be enough!

29. Achieve debt freedom in a year or two, insyallah.

30. To save, save, save more for my children.

31. Self publish a book.

32. Write a book on my life’s journey.

33. Write a letter to my grandma in the Philippines and tell her that I do think of her.

34. Make a difference in someone’s life.

35. To know that my mere existence had made an impact in someone’s life and that’s good enough for me.

36. I'll leave this blank for now.

37. Get a complete makeover (change everything, from my hair style, hair color, image, clothes) and get a different look: one which I would never have thought of trying!


38. Gain enlightenment. How do I achieve that exactly? Maybe I’ll learn.

39. Write, write, write. The intimacy I have with myself makes me happy!


40. Live each day as it were my last.

41. To finally be happy….one day.

42. Prepare myself to kick the bucket!

Baby Baby..

Introducing Marc-Harris Welter. Born on the 15th December 2011 at 8.29 a.m.

Weight 3.530 kgs,

Height 50 cm.

Welcome to our family little one! I can't wait to squeeze you silly.
Fresh outta the oven!!!!



A couple of minutes after that...all cleaned-up.

Proud Daddy with his bundle of joy..

Ain't he the cutest thing you ever saw?

Mummy with her heroes..

Jan-Farris with his baby bro...

Christmas Dinner Party 2011

Christmas dinner at my sister's house with family and closest friends. Check out the pictures as I'm too lazy to write today. After all, pictures are worth a thousand words they say. Merry Christmas everyone!!!
The three chefs @ work

Fugly faces

The turkey turkeying...

Most beautiful bird I've ever seen.
My sister giving her thumbs up

Hubby hard at work...

Side dish

Me plate

Brian with his creation

Drunken santarina

the 2 chefs checking the bird

F.O.O.D

Aida, Erin and Me

M.E.

Taken with the sisters, niece & daughter

O' Christmas Tree

Me mixin' my pasta salad

Pic taken for show

The exchange of gifts

Taken a minute after Erin screamed her head off...

coz she got this as a christmas present...

Ezane and his bro checking out their gifts


Me and my younger sister

Buat-buat sibuk kat dapur

It took six elves to carve a this bad boy!!!!

more food

Me with the other elves + one confused Santarina

The loving couple.