Crestfallen

I believe that I’ve posted a post on this topic a few weeks back. But to hell with it. I just need to vent out this thing that’s been bugging the hell outta me.

This has not been a good week for me. Apart from screwing up the “prepping” of a business presentation, I’ve also had the exasperating pleasure to deal with several issues that had managed to make my entire week, an utter wretchedness!! From a venue not being probably booked (and pointing their fingers at u),a mechanic who's charging a bomb on my car, hubby's constant calls to me and bitching about his salary being paid late and only paid in half,not seeing my children in over a week, roadtrips......... YES, I would say that this entire week has gotten me all worked up. Some friends say that I’ve been on edge, going in a “talk- to –me- and-face-death” mode and jumpy.. I must say that they are not entirely at fault. I have been rather prickly and moody this week. I know that I’ve not been super friendly and super welcoming to the people around me. I didn't have a smile plastered across my face. And to tell the truth, I hate it. I detest being malicious to people. One friend even said that I’m being mega defensive and that everything he/ she said is being scrutinized (being put under a microscope was their exact words). I know this blog post may sound infantile to some but this is how I feel right now. I feel wretched, crestfallen, vile, worthless and despicable, a doleful glum. I have this volatile attribute that has brought out the beast in me and I hate it so much. I guess I don’t handle stress all too well. I’ve clearly miffed the people that matters most to me, I’ve been hurting my family, friends and my confidante. It is unwarranted that my friends had to bear the brusque of my morose self.

It is possible that I was infuriated about some issues and not recognizing it. My husband brought it up again last night on the phone, saying I was really short- fused, defensive, and a little to quick to snap angrily at him for certain things. This morning I feel the way he was saying I am...except worse.
While much of my mood is still bubbly, I am also feeling explosive. I have this gnawing feeling in my stomach that I might mistake for extreme hunger, if I hadn't encounter the mood state before. I'm not sure if others know what I mean. It's like when you are famished and inside you feel cranky and short, and about to begin raging on someone if you don't get some food...now!
However, I'm not hungry. I ate breakfast, lunch, dinner and afterwards still felt the feeling. Plus my shoulders feel tight, there is a sense of fretfulness...not being able to breathe properly, and an irritability and anger that is simmering and steaming into a rage.
I have tons of energy, my mood feels both hyper and angry. This is a very unnerving feeling. The worst part is I cannot understand why I feel this way, because I don't think I am mad at anything, or anyone! Or maybe I am????? Am i??

To the people who were snapped at, barked, scrutinized, yelled, rebuked before, abhorrently rude to,, I’M TRULY, HONESTLY, SINCERELY, EARNESTLY, GENUINELY, INDISPUTABLY and BEYOND DOUBT am SORRY for being such a BITCH.. Truly I am……. SORRY!!!!