I took the much needed day off to be with my babies today. I had promised Ezane that i'd take him for the much awaited "Transformers" movie and to Toys R Us since last week but sadly, i just didn't have the time to do it. I felt like the world's most incompetent mom! How can I not have the time for family? I'm their mom. I should make the time! I feel like i've let my kids down, BIG TIME!!!!

Reached mummy's house around noon. The kids were still in school. I rushed to carry Erin as soon as i got into the house. GOD....I miss her so much. It's been a week since i last saw her and her brother. She smiled at me. It was the most beautiful, beautiful smile!!!! Ezane and the twins came back soon after. So did Aida. She took the day off work just to spend time with me and the kids. I thought i'd never feel this happy again after the shit i went through these last couple of weeks. I WAS TRULY HAPPY!!! Nothin' could bring me down. I was with family. I was safe.

Brian was already there in mummy's house. He had a worried look on his face. He asked me out to the garden for a ciggie. Despite our falling out, he's still a brother-in-law. We got talking and he asked me about my car and we were talking about it. Then, mummy came back. I was frantically trying to put my ciggie out but it was too late. Mummy saw me. So, i did the only thing i could do..." Brian, you shouldn't be smoking this shit anymore. It's gonna kill you lah" and hurriedly went back into the house. Phew! I still didn't get the chance to ask him about that worried look he had on his face earlier. Nevermind..maybe next time lah.

We sat in the living room and watched the kids playing with Baby Erin. Then Brian said....

"Mummy, i have to tell you something.

Oh God!, what did he do now?. I was silently asking myself.

" It's about Liza. She's in the hospital. She going for surgery to remove her appendix at 8.00 tonight".

"Aaah... No wonder he had that worried look on his face", i said to myself.

" But....during the check up, the doctors found several tumours in her liver". They're quite worried and said that it the tumours might be malignant." It might be cancerous at this point".

I gasped upon hearing the news and i was on the verge of tearing. Aida had a glazed look in her eye. Mummy was just staring blankly at Brian. Then there was silence. I saw mummy on the verge of crying. For once in my life..., i had nothing to say! I couldn't utter a single word but was just staring at my mother. I saw mummy clenched her fist and fell into a crying heap. I'm not really efficient in dealing with my own emotions, let alone others. I was just too shocked by the sudden news and went over to the sink to wash my face. I went back to the living room and sat down again.
I leaned against the sofa and still trying to make sense of it all.

Cancer? Liver cancer? Am i gonna lose my sister? Has the cancer spread? Is it benign? Malignant? I suddenly saw flashbacks of Papa and saw how the horrible disease ravaged his body. All I can remember is the picture in my mind of my father laying dead in the hospital bed with the sheet pulled up to his chin, his eyes shut and his mouth open and the light from the overhead bed light shining down on his face. This is the picture of my Father out of all the ones I have, that I see in my mind everytime I think of him. Cancer is the ultimate death sentence.

NO. It can't be!!!!! I'm not ready to lose another family member.

"No, guys...we'll fight it. No matter what it takes"...i said,suddenly sounding very sure of myself.

with a nonchalant look on my face, I said to my mother

"Now, i've promised the kids that i'll take them out. The movie starts at 5.00 and we gotta go if we wanna catch it. I've got to go. I'll catch you later. Mummy, there's probably nothing to worry about. She's gonna be fine, ok? We'll fight it! I gathered the kids and hurriedly left the house with Aida, leaving my mother alone to grief for her daughter.

I could've have been more circumspect with what I had said, or certainly exercised more rationality in my emotions, if there is such a thing. I would like to think I could have dealt with my emotions better, but now I just have this perpetual sadness about what I've just bluntly said to my mother. My eyes were fogged with tears as we pulled out from the driveway.

My father once said....

Trials, tribulations and challenges are part of every person’s life. However, to counter that, Allah has provided us a very powerful tool – and that is the tool of the DOA and asking Allah for help and His mercy when we need it. And we need it all the time…. I'll pray really hard for my dear sister. All i want is to be by her side tonight, to comfort her. After all, she is my sister. My Family.

It's already 4.30 am and i still can't put my head down. How do I go through tomorrow? Called my mom at 10.30 and was informed that Liza's been in the MRI Examination room for almost 2 hours. Damn...now i'm really worried. Is she gonna be okay? Did she have her appendix removed already? Or will it be tomorrow? There's just no words to describe on how helpless i'm feeling right now. All i can do is just wait!!!!