Crazeeee Aunty Sita

Went to my mum’s house for buka puasa. I will make it a point to break fast with my family and siblings whenever I am in town, which is not that often. I travel a hell lot and hardly spend time with them. And I do miss my family a hell lot too. Called Yasmin the other day during one of my roadtrips to inform her that I’ll be there for buka puasa. She literally shrieked in glee (nearly became deaf when she did it). I asked her why and she simply answered…”Because we hardly see you around Aunty Sita, and I miss you. Please break fast with us tonight. Her say nearly brought me to tears. She has grown so much since I last saw her and had turned out to be a ravishing beauty I must say.

Anyway, Shahril came to pick me up from the office and we headed straight to mummy’s house. As I stepped out of the car, I could hear them screaming my name.

Ezane (7) : Mama, can we go out to buy some toys today? Just a really small one pun ok lah!

Zarif(7) : Aunty Sita, u promised me a Tranformers toy.

Pepe (7) : Yeah, where is it? Don’t lah like this. Not fairlah!!!!

Khalis(5)and very “kerek” : Aunty Sita, Pepe won’t let me share his toys..can you please scold him???? Tell him I’ve got the biggest gun in the world and I will shoot his smelly butt!!!

Yasmin (10) : Aunty Sita, I didn’t fast today. My lips went dry so I had to ‘abstain” myself from fasting today….!!!!

Yes, these terrors are my niece and nephews. Each little rascal has their own quirks.
To further exasperate their weary aunt, they seem to love talking to me….Yes..ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!! God..they’re loud and very demanding for a bunch of scalawags and would sometimes ask me me the most ludricrous questions….and anticipate for my always unreasonable answers..which most often pisses them off!!! Hahaha..What would you expect from a crazy aunt??? They once asked me where babies came from….

Straight faced I simply said…

“Well, if you must know, your parents bought you from the onion factory. The “tauke” didn’t want you because you guys weren’t cute anymore!!! So, he sold you guys off at a discount when you were tiny little babies!!!! You guys were all delivered to the house in gunny sacks. That is why you guys always smell like “bawang goreng”, haven’t u noticed???? Confused, they would start smelling their shirts!!!!!

I would laugh in hysterics when they gawked at my answer, somehow thinking it was all true. Except for Yasmin, being the oldest and the wisest among the lot. Kahkahkahkahkah!!!!!! Others would scramble to the phone and call their moms to authenticate what they’ve just heard from their beloved Auty Sita.

These boys would sit on me..all 5 of them on the couch and will start rummaging through my bag for goodies. Yes, they think I’m a walking candy stand!!! Only to be thwarted when they could only find a pack of ciggies, wallet and other non- candy items. Zarif pulled out my cigarettes and said “ Aunty Sita, these rokok is going to kill you u know”.

Well, Abang, Not today it ain’t.., I cheekily replied. Now please put that back in my bag please. Otherwise, I’ll just have to sit on you till you put it back!!!

Yes, I do love these kids to death, although it can be quite draining sometimes but these rascals keeps me sane from the mad going on’s in my life. I’m so much calmer when I’m with them, although they tend so see the “ringgit sign” smacked across my forehead when they see me, but they’re kids and it gives me an immense pleasure to just spoil them to bits. They’re the love of my life.

So kids, please don’t grow up too fast ok????? Love you guys to bits and pieces!!!!!

Leavin' ......yet again!!!

I received a call this PM on the way back to KL. It was Shahril. Told me that he would be leaving for Miri this Saturday after he gets certified by SeQU (simulator and sea survival test) tomorrow. His office had called to inform him that he's got to leave for Labuan first to gather his stuff and fly off to Miri ASAP. I was bummed when I heard the news. Although I knew he's gonna leave, I did not expect it to be so soon. I had seriously thought that we would spend Raya together this year. Well, duty calls so there's nothing much you can do about it. Didn't want to nag him and i just don't see the point of doing it anyway. Besides, I am soooooooooo not the nagging type. FAAAAAARRRR from it actually!!!!

Anyway, my mind was racing...How do I celebrate Raya with this year??? Do I have to break fast alone this year too????

I was tearing a tad bit in the car, probably because i panicked. Of course Yana cracked up a red-necked-hill-billie joke in the car and it got me laughing my head off. That bitch- lah!!!!

Yes, my husband annoys me to the outmost extreme sometimes because he nags...and I hate people who nags. But nevertheless, he's a great dad and the kids love him to bits. Doesn't help that he spoils them like there's no tomorrow. I am proud of him because he has gotten this far in life. It wasn’t an easy ride for him and I am extremely proud on what he has achieved. He finally made it ….and made it BIG!!!!!! I guess I’ll just have to be the dutiful wife and help him pack and send him on his way….to a brighter future!!!!!!!


….*Sigh*…………………………..

* Sigh*

Share my life, take me for what I am
Coz I'll never change all my colors for you
Take my love, I'll never ask for too much
Just all that you are and everything that you do

I don't really need to look very much further
I don't want to have to go where you don't follow
I won't hold it back again, this passion inside
Can't run from myself
There's nowhere to hide


Well,don't make me close one more door
I don't wanna hurt anymore
Stay in my arms if you dare
Or must I imagine you there
Don't walk away from me...
I have nothing, nothing, nothing
If I don't have you

You see through, right to the heart of me
You break down my walls with the strength of your love
I never knew love like I've known it with you
Will a memory survive, one I can hold on to

I don't really need to look very much further
I don't want to have to go where you don't follow
I won't hold it back again, this passion inside
I Can't run from myself
There's nowhere to hide
Your love I'll remember, forever

What NEVER Say To A Woman During An Argument

Whoa, time out. WWE Raw is on.

Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.

Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

You are so cute when you get mad.

You're just upset because your bottom is beginning to spread.

Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?

You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?

Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!

Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

I have to go for a meeting

Please don’t start. I'm not in the mood right now.

What’s that supposed to mean?

Haven’t we already had this conversation?

Can’t we talk about this later?

Never mind (sigh), it’s not important.

You always do that.

Enough already.

Can’t we just go?

My personal favorite: Can I tell you one thing?



I did not have sex with that woman.... (to quote a loser ex president, then later to tell her."Well, yeah we did it but it meant nothing..it was just sex! Yeah right!!!!

What You NEVER Say To A Woman

If you're male, over the years you'll have experienced exactly how different woman are than you. It's not just that they have different genitals, or boobs (some men have those too, GROSS!), they THINK differently too.

You have to be careful as to what you say to a woman. She may take it in a way completely different to how you mean, in ways you have not even dreamed of! And, as many experienced men know, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

With that in mind, here are some things that you do NOT say to or near a woman.

* Hey you! (YOU or KAU is offensive. It should be her name, or Miss. Anything else means you are pure evil or an idiot).
* Excuse me, Miss? No not you, the fat one. OUchhh!!!!
* Hey! Those new pants TOTALLY cover your front butt!
* Do you really wannna wear that? And show off your arms/ legs/???
* Nice perm! I had one of those in the 80's when I was going through my Bon
Jovi phase!
* Son, if you eat your vegetables, you'll be able to grow a cool mustache just
like yo mama.
* Yea, you look pretty good for your age.
* Takes a lot of guts for a lady like you to wear THAT.
* That's your MOM? I thought it was your sister!
* I see your point, but THIS cream takes care of cellulite too!
* You need a cream for your stretch marks...
* Your boobs/jugs/knockers/tits/ aren't as perky now...why ah???
* Hey! Did you know that when you laugh your second chin overlaps your third?
* I appreciate your trying to look sexy, but when you wear a G-String it looks
like it is begging for mercy...or.... "G- string?? I don't see it. Where lah???
* Hold your own damned purse, OK?
* We have a lot of bills, do you really think you need another pair of shoes?
* You're pregnant? Six months? Really? I couldn't tell!
* Is that a gray hair?
* I think the dryer is running hot, cuz all your clothes seem to be shrinking
lately.
* Pi lah pakai bedak sikit. You look so pucatlah.
* My money is my money ok????? Guys, what happened to "sharing is caring'???
* What anniversary? What birthday?? Do you really want a present for your bday?
Guys......we are girls....We love presents....
* You know, women with fat ankles shouldn't wear high heels.(yup, my hubby told
me that once or twice)
* Oh, by the way, my ex girlfriend is coming over for dinner tonight.
* You know, my ex- girlfriend used to love it when I.........
* Calls you an "unfit" anything.....
* Do you really have to listen to that song over and over again??? Peninglah!!!
* You're sure you wanna cook dinner?? Really?? But you haven't cooked since
1996!!!


And the number one thing you should never say to a woman is.....

* No.


I hope my knowledge and experience has helped you today, and may the wrath you incur from women be slight and infrequent.

Farewell Yet Again

Im sad today.

A dear friend, a dear colleague has just told me that she's leaving the company. I was taken aback. Why? Simply because I adore her. She has been like a big sister to me. When I first came in to work, I have always thought that she would hate my chutzpah!!!! I'm loud, noisy...i was very sure that she would hate every moral fibre I have in me!!!
..... and I do have a temper. Besides, she looked like this miss goody-two-shoes! No way in hell she can "gel" with me. Boy....I was wrong. I was already judging her even before I got to know her. Surprise..Suprise… We clicked right away. Strange as it may seem, I actually enjoy her company. She can be exasperating at times, hey...nobody's perfect, right? I know I’m not.

I guess after 4 years, people tend to take her presence for granted. I'm sad to observe my friend being kicked around like a fooking football, and always being pushed to a corner. Yes..that much I have observed.

I know that I am not in her shoes, but I try to listen to her gripe or complaints. But there is so much I can do…and being where I am, I can’t say much!

Anyhoo, I wish her well. I pray that she would obtain a great job and finally make a career out of it.. But I am happy that she has finally found her inner peace.

Farewell my friend.

Story of Me

Well, When you go
Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay
And maybe when you get back
I'll be off to find another way

And after all this time that you still owe
You're still the good-for-nothing I don't know
So take your gloves and get out
Better get out
While you can

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I loved you....yesterday.........

Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
But baby when they knock you
Down and out
It's where you oughta stay

And after all the blood that you still owe
Another dollar's just another blow
So fix your eyes and get up
Better get up
While you can


When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I loved you..yesterday

My Immortal......

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me

Beautiful Love Story

Here is an amazing love story . Read on..!

He met her on a party. She was so outstanding, many guys chasing after her, while he so normal, nobody paid attention to him. At the end of the party, he invited her to have coffee with him, she was surprised, but due to being polite, she promised. They sat in a nice coffee shop, he was too nervous to say anything, she felt uncomfortable, she thought, please, let me go home.... suddenly he asked the waiter.

"Would you please give me some salt? I'd like to put it in my coffee." Everybody stared at him, so strange! His face turned red, but still, he put the salt in his coffee and drank it. She asked him curiously; why you have this hobby? He replied: "when I was a little boy, I was living near the sea, I like playing in the sea, I could feel the taste of the sea, just like the taste of the salty coffee. Now every time I have the salty coffee, I always think of my childhood, think of my hometown, I miss my hometown so much, I miss my parents who are still living there". While saying that tears filled his eyes. She was deeply touched.That's his true feeling, from the bottom of his heart. A man who can tell out his homesickness, he must be a man who loves home, cares about home, has responsibility of home. Then she also started to speak, spoke about her faraway hometown, her childhood, her family. That was a really nice talk, also a beautiful beginning of their story. They continued to date. She found that actually he was a man who meets all her demands; he had tolerance, was kind hearted, warm, careful. He was such a good person but she almost missed him! Thanks to his salty coffee! Then the story was just like every beautiful love story , the princess married to the prince, then they were living the happy life... And, every time she made coffee for him, she put some salt in the coffee e, as she knew that's the way he liked it. After 40 years, he passed away, left her a letter which said: "My dearest, please forgive me, forgive my whole life lie. This was the only lie I said to you---the salty coffee. Remember the first time we dated? I was so nervous at that time, actually I wanted some sugar, but I said salt It was hard for me to change so I just went ahead.I never thought that could be the start of our communication! I tried to tell you the truth many times in my life, but I was too afraid to do that, as I have promised not to lie to you for anything.. Now I'm dying, I afraid of nothing so I tell you the truth: I don't like the salty coffee, what a strange bad taste.. But I have had the salty coffee for my whole life! Since I knew you, I never feel sorry for anything I do for you. Having you with me is my biggest happiness for my whole life. If I can live for the second time, still want to know you and have you for my whole life,even though I have to drink the salty coffee again". Her tears made the letter totally wet.Someday, someone asked her: what's the taste of salty coffee?It's sweet. She replied......

"Love is not to forget but to forgive, Not to see but to understand, Not to hear but to listen, Not to let go but to HOLD ON !!!!

"Don't ever leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love."

For a woman like me......,

Find a guy, who calls you beautiful instead of hot.

Who calls you back when you hang up on him.

Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Who holds your hand in front of his friends.

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.

Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says," That's her..!!!!!

I Am Me.....

My Mind, Body, Spirit Are Strong. I Take Time Each Day To Rejuvenate And Recharge. I Draw From A Deep Well Of Peace And Calm. I Breathe In Strength And Release My Fears. I Go After My Heart's Deep Desire. I Can Accomplish Anything. All Of My Dreams Are Coming True. I Focus On My Goals And Have The Strength To Make It Happen. I Choose To Be Unstoppable. I Am Strong. I Act In Spite Of My Fears. I am Bigger Than My Concerns And MY Worries. I Go For It With Gusto. I Can Do Anything I Put My Mind To. Each Day I Am Getting Stronger. I Take Great Care Of Myself. The Strength Of Others Inspires Me Daily. I Trust My Intuition And Live My Courageous Life.

Broken

Life is full of lots of ups and downs
But the distance feels further
When it's headed for the ground
And there's nothing more painful
Then to let your feelings take you down

It's so hard to know
The way you feel inside
When there's many thoughts
And feelings that you hide
But you might feel better
If you let me walk with you
By your side

And when you need
A shoulder to cry on
When you need
A friend to rely on
When the whole world is gone
You won't be alone
Coz I'll be there
I'll be your shoulder to cry on
I'll be there
I'll be your friend to rely on
When the whole world is gone
You won't be alone cause I'll be there

All of the times
When everything is wrong
And your feeling like
There's no use going on
You can't give it up
Ill help you work it out
And carry on.........

Side by side
With you till the end
I'll always be the one to firmly hold your hand
No matter what is said or done
Our love will always continue on

Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on
Everyone needs a friend to rely on
When the whole world is gone, you won't be alone
cause I'll be there
I'll be your shoulder to cry on
I'll be there
I'll be the one to rely on
When the whole world is gone, you won't be alone
Cause I'll be there
And when the whole world is gone

You'll always have my shoulder to cry on...........

sO nEaR n yET sO fAr............

"Here Without You"

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight its only you and me

Miss You Much

Don't know why I'm surviving every lonely day
When there's got to be no chance for me
My life would end and it doesn't matter how I cry
My tears of love are a waste of time
If I turn away am I strong enough to see it through
Go crazy is what I will do
* If I can't have you, I don't want nobody baby
If I can't have you ah ah, I can't have you
I don't want nobody baby, if I can't have you

Can't let go and it doesn't matter how I try
I gave it all so easily to you my love
To dreams that never will come true
Am I strong enough to see it through
Go crazy is what I will do

Higher

When I'm dreaming I'm guided to another world
Time and time again
At sunrise I fight to stay asleep
Cause I dont want to leave the comfort of this place
Cause theres a hunger, longing to escape
From the life I live when Im awake

So lets go there
Lets make our escape
Come on; lets go there
Lets ask...
Can we stay?

Chorus
Can you take me higher?
To the place where blind men see
Can you take me higher?
To the place with golden streets

Although I would like our world to change
It helps me to appreciate
Those nights and those dreams
But my friend Id sacrifice all those nights
If I could make the earth and my dreams the same

The only difference is
To let love replace all our hate
So lets go there
Lets make our escape
Come on
Lets go there lets ask can we stay

Lets go there
Lets go there
Lets go there
Lets ask can we stay

Up high I feel like Im alive for the very first time
Sat up high Im strong enough to take these dreams
And make them mine

Worst Nightmare!!

I’ve just had my worst nightmare last Saturday. I had the kids home with me and were planning a shopping trip after Erin’s nap. I put Erin down for her nap at 11.30am and she woke up at around 2.00pm. I carried her to the living room and was watching her play with Ezane, with me sitting on the couch. She got up and suddenly she started shivering. I thought that she had “ terkencing” in her pam-pam and thought it was so cute of her. Suddenly she started having spasms and she suddenly turned blue. I quickly ran to her and checked if she had choked on something but the palms of her hand and feet were white and cold. I quickly called Halim who was already on the way to pick the children up. I told him to step on it coz Erin was already going into spasms. I managed to remain calm and put her into her cot and told Ezane to keep and eye on his sister as I went to change my clothes. Less that a minute after that, Ezane ran to me and said that Erin had already turned blue. I felt her forehead and she was burning up and fast. I called for an ambulance and told them what had happened and was told that they’re on the way. I packed her baby bag and took the lift down to the lobby. The paramedics arrived within 5 mins after the call and they brought her into the ambulance. The sirens blared and we were sent to the nearest hospital. She was wheeled into the emergency room and they put on the oxygen mask so that she could breathe. Her temperature was 39.5 and after thorough investigation, I was told that she had just suffered a “fit”. I was floored and just cried my eyes out. After she was stabilized, she was admitted to the ward.

I called Aida to inform her of what had happened and she was clearly trying to assure me that everything was going to be ok. At the ward, she was injected with pennicillin and PCM to bring her temperature down. Aida came to hand me some stuff for my stay, followed by mummy who rushed over as soon as she got the news. The baby had to be admitted for observation to see if .there’s any further infection of the brain and blood. But why is she having the fits?? I asked myself. She was perfectly fine when she came this morning. How could this happen?

Why didn’t I check her temperature before?

I started to blame myself. I felt hopeless that I couldn’t help my baby. I had to witness the doctors poking her tiny arms and feet to check for any visible blood vein. She was screaming in pain. I felt like the worst mother in the world. What’s wrong with my baby??? I couldn’t stop crying.

She was still burning up that night and she was restless. The doctors said that her throat were filled with lesions or ulcers and that had caused her body temperature to soar. Her tiny body was “overheated” causing her to have fits. I slept with her on the bed and lullabied her to sleep. She slept in my arms and I never once left her side. I didn’t sleep a wink that night. I was too scared to close my eyes. I was too scared for her.

She was feeling much better come Sunday and was up to her usual antiques when visitors started pouring in to see her. She was her usual “kerek” self and they were so relieved to watch her throw her milk bottle to the floor after she’s done feeding. Her body temperature had stabilized that Sunday but she had to be put under observation till Monday, and also to wait for her blood test results. I was relieved.

Was told Monday morning that she was going to be fine and that there’s no viral infection to the brain and blood.The doctor warned me about keeping a close watch on her progress this week as she's now prone to having another fit if she's sick. She will be discharged today. YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

Kak Cik came with Poji to keep her company while I went to settle the hospital bills and to the hosp pharmacy and by 3pm, she was already back home with me, running around as if she had never been sick. Her arms and legs were blue black (from where they had pricked her!) Other than that, she’s doing fine and well. Even the security guards at home were ecstatic to see her, they even brought her jalan2 at the lobby to show her off. It was such a sweet scene that’ll I’ll never ever forget.

I'd like thank my family and friends who came to my rescue that day, and for visiting us at the hospital.

To Mama, Ingga, Liza, Brian, Kakak, Ezane, Abg, Pepe, Aida, Hussein, Khalis, Halim, Kak Siti, Abg. Amir and family, Thank you all soooooooooo much!!!! Love you guys!!!!

To Ezane, thank you for being so calm thoughout mummys' ordeal and for packing adik's bag that day. You're the most amazing 7 year old any mom could ever ask for, sweetie pie. You're truly a life saver. Mummy loves you very, very much. I'm very proud that you're mummy's son. My hero!!!

To my hubby, Shahril, Don't worry ok? Im here. Love u and miss you. Wish you were here!!!!

FYI: Had called my "boss" on Sunday to inform him what had happened to my daughter and to tell him that i won't be coming in for work on Monday. He said..
" Sure...sure..ok". But please don't forget that you've got to conduct the RBA training in Kluang on Wednesday n Thursday ok? Two words for him...FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!! Inconsiderate, pathetic, rigid,unfeeling son of a M***F***R!!!! Well, maybe 7, but who's counting anyway? I could go on and on and on...............and on............

Crestfallen

I believe that I’ve posted a post on this topic a few weeks back. But to hell with it. I just need to vent out this thing that’s been bugging the hell outta me.

This has not been a good week for me. Apart from screwing up the “prepping” of a business presentation, I’ve also had the exasperating pleasure to deal with several issues that had managed to make my entire week, an utter wretchedness!! From a venue not being probably booked (and pointing their fingers at u),a mechanic who's charging a bomb on my car, hubby's constant calls to me and bitching about his salary being paid late and only paid in half,not seeing my children in over a week, roadtrips......... YES, I would say that this entire week has gotten me all worked up. Some friends say that I’ve been on edge, going in a “talk- to –me- and-face-death” mode and jumpy.. I must say that they are not entirely at fault. I have been rather prickly and moody this week. I know that I’ve not been super friendly and super welcoming to the people around me. I didn't have a smile plastered across my face. And to tell the truth, I hate it. I detest being malicious to people. One friend even said that I’m being mega defensive and that everything he/ she said is being scrutinized (being put under a microscope was their exact words). I know this blog post may sound infantile to some but this is how I feel right now. I feel wretched, crestfallen, vile, worthless and despicable, a doleful glum. I have this volatile attribute that has brought out the beast in me and I hate it so much. I guess I don’t handle stress all too well. I’ve clearly miffed the people that matters most to me, I’ve been hurting my family, friends and my confidante. It is unwarranted that my friends had to bear the brusque of my morose self.

It is possible that I was infuriated about some issues and not recognizing it. My husband brought it up again last night on the phone, saying I was really short- fused, defensive, and a little to quick to snap angrily at him for certain things. This morning I feel the way he was saying I am...except worse.
While much of my mood is still bubbly, I am also feeling explosive. I have this gnawing feeling in my stomach that I might mistake for extreme hunger, if I hadn't encounter the mood state before. I'm not sure if others know what I mean. It's like when you are famished and inside you feel cranky and short, and about to begin raging on someone if you don't get some food...now!
However, I'm not hungry. I ate breakfast, lunch, dinner and afterwards still felt the feeling. Plus my shoulders feel tight, there is a sense of fretfulness...not being able to breathe properly, and an irritability and anger that is simmering and steaming into a rage.
I have tons of energy, my mood feels both hyper and angry. This is a very unnerving feeling. The worst part is I cannot understand why I feel this way, because I don't think I am mad at anything, or anyone! Or maybe I am????? Am i??

To the people who were snapped at, barked, scrutinized, yelled, rebuked before, abhorrently rude to,, I’M TRULY, HONESTLY, SINCERELY, EARNESTLY, GENUINELY, INDISPUTABLY and BEYOND DOUBT am SORRY for being such a BITCH.. Truly I am……. SORRY!!!!

Me, My Friends and I

Recent events have caused me to reflect on my own methods of living and dealing. There are no hidden messages here, just me sorting my thoughts out. If you are looking for transparent honesty... well, that’s me. I am blunt. I am polite but straight forward. I know no other way to be. On the other hand, I do my best not to stomp on others and will restrain my tongue to curtail any outspoken lashings. Everything in moderation i'd say.

I spent well over half my life trying to match the mold of what I believed would allow me to fit in where I so anxiously wanted to belong. Until a few months ago, this all changed. I learned self confidence. I nurtured real, reciprocated friendships, which I value a lot. I became VERY aware of many issues that kept me in the dark place where I once lived.

Today... I am not perfect, I have undeniable flaws, raw scabs and fading scars. Only true friends will point these out, only to love me more. This works both ways, you see!! Those who are important to me did not earn this "status" demonstrating their faultless personas, but by revealing their true character, blemishes and all. Friends who are genuine and has no hidden agendas. Got a lot of those bloody losers to. This points out the hideousness and how screwed up they really are. They've got a lot of issues, I will tell you that. What do I do now? Tell them to "scram and get the hell outta my life". But some tend to slowly, painfully manage to "claw" their way back in, to my utter disgust, I might add.

There is a saying, "I can count the number of friends in one hand." Well, too many quite honestly counting the number of friends in one hand, would really be a lot of friends; actually. And, yes I write about personal and leadership development; but I must say, True, True, True friends are truly hard to come by. And, yes I do have friends that I can not only count in one hand but in both of my hands and they are; good, good, real good friends; but, there is however; one special friend that truly stands out above all others. I will reserve the name of this "unique" individual for the moment as first; I would like to discuss the variables of what made this particular individual so special.

A friend is a teacher, but to teach one has to have a knowledge base that is equipped with a packed history of experiences. You see this special friend had the disposition of being one of the most street smart individuals I ever met.
You see this is how you make a friend…. by sharing your wisdom, by being strong willed, by standing firm during adversity, by being there to listen, by teaching what you know, being a team player, by serving others by knowing your voice instantaneously even after not hearing it for years, by saying he’ll never your side. This is just a small glimpse of my friend as there is so much more to be said about him, but will wait for further elaboration in my future postings.


We all have strong suits and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, challenges and triumphs, opinions and ignorances. This is what makes us unique, and in lieu of forgoing this, we cannot all fit together like a jigsaw. Mashing the “pieces” together will not change this, but will damage them instead.

Therefore, parts of me may not suit the likes of all people I come across. BUT I respect them for that and find that over time, feelings can change, building scenarios I couldn’t have conjured up with the help of 1000 monkeys. We evolve, our dimensions grow and ebb. Life hands us challenges. Mine in recent years has handed me some real assholes. Jerks. Pond Scum!!!!The friends who are tried and true were there, however other folks - friends from "other circles of influence" came out of the woodwork with amazing generosity. Their giving and caring presence of which truly and absolutely floored me.

Friends come and go..... but sometimes we find ourselves on different paths, perhaps paths contrary enough that it gets to be time to wish someone well and no longer be friends. Sometimes that takes a level of honesty and courage. Some never find the gumption to let go of a negative influencing friend. In true honesty, I would be crushed if I were to ever lose a friend I trust, love and respect. It's slim pickings out there-lah!

Last year I made many many new friends. Some here through my blog, some through my work, others recently through the oddest set of circumstances...ever......

.........and I mean ever.I love making new friends. I find that it challenges my ability to be open to new experiences. It also enriches my being...sometimes to the very core of my soul.

What do I learn most from my friends? They teach me that....

I am not always perfect. I too make mistakes. My friends allow me that gracious place to be human.

That each of us have something different to bring to the table.

I know that I could never be without them, that I treasure them.

That the ones I can laugh with, like laugh really really hard with? (some say like a hyena, but who the hell cares?) They are the best of all.

Likewise, I may not enjoy the whims of another. It is in my nature to avoid stating my distaste unless it is literally requested, like in your face!! I let people be. –If they are committing some illegal or otherwise wrong act that impacts myself or those I care about, I may be spurned to action, though rarely. I don’t mean that this affords me license to judge or preach, and I am always eager to hear the flip side of the story. Devil’s advocate is a hat I often wear, much to the dismay of some.


In arguments, I tend to maintain a rather objective perspective, unless caught up in the frenzy of the moment (an occasional poor habit, i apologize). My motto is “it is what it is” and if I don’t like it... well, I deal with it. I veer away if I can, or take a day to mull it over. Figure it out and move on. Period. I don't need them to weigh me down. NOT ANYMORE!!!!!!!

My point is, I don't let things get to me, and if they slither(some can be such a snake!) their way through my defenses then I sit on it for awhile. Time has this remarkable tendency of arousing my objectivity when it has been lost.
Analyzing a situation for what it is, not who has done/said what, also brings me greater clarity. Not to say that they should be discounted, but set aside emotions for a moment and see what is left. If the argument is carried on a wave of emotions, I often find that there really is no substance behind the it.

Flaws. I struggle to understand how others do not share this attitude. A true friend will love you for who you are, and not someone he/she hopes you may become. Someone that knows of your flaws, but neither ridicules or ignores them. A true friend will stick by you, no matter what!!! What is it that makes a true friend? Someone you can share both your joys and troubles with. Delighting in your triumphs, and comforting your sorrows…A true friend cares.


So, next time when I feel down about myself, I’ll take a good look at my accomplishments, big and small, and realize there's much to be proud of, both inside and out.

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I'm officially a Transformers fan.

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