Part 3

Stop looking to others for happiness.

Been there.  Done it.  Ain’t worth shit because I’m only lying to myself.  Also a trait that I see in soooo many people. They find comfort in being with someone who tells them they’re beautiful when your husband/wifey tells u that you look Madea UH'GLY and could lose like a 100 pounds just so you could been seen with them in public. Or that you have garlic-breath.

Then…., Swoooossh!!!!!!!!!!!!..., comes this knight in shining armor, or a savior princess, or whatever and tells you that your fart smells like heaven and they like you "big" (some guys may call you voluptous, curvy, it means you're HUGE!) or that beauty is in the eye of the fucking beholder---and you become the best of friends. You tend to shut the world out to solely focus on this ONE good thing who tells you EVERYTHING! Guilty as sin! Truth is, when you feel like a pig, stop stuffing your face. If your stale breath could wake up the dead, then go brush your teeth. What I’m saying is, you have to do something about it. If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long term relationship with anyone else either that will blind you with the illusion of you being all "perfection" when you're not. Create that solidity in your OWN life first before you can share it with someone else. Don’t be the person outside looking in.

Stop Getting Involved in a relationship for the wrong reasons.

Same as the above. You can’t cheat a scale nor a mirror… or the breath detector. And yes, your fart will always smell like rotten eggs. Change and you’ll see results. Relationships has to be chosen wisely but also use it with caution. Don't be blinded by unkept promises and never believe an ass who tells you that they'll never leave because baby, they all. After all that I’ve gone through, there’s one valuable thing I learned. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If it’s meant to be, it will happen, in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. 

Fall in love when you’re ready, no when you’re lonely.

Stop Trying to Compete against everyone else.

I have been known to be very competitive you know. Afterall, it’s human nature. I gotta stop worrying about what others are doing better than me. And learn to bersyukur dengan apa yang sudah Tuhan kurniakan, rezeki, perlindungan,kesihatan, keluarga.

Stop Being Jealous of Others.

Envy. It’s one of those emotions we’d like to admit we don’t have, but we do. It’s a very powerful one and if not kept in check, can lead you down roads you do NOT want to travel. Roads that lead to jealousy, depression, resentment, hate, anger, loss of personal power, and great unbalance in your work, social, and personal life. At times, I’m so focused on the things or qualities that I lack. Plus I put too much focus on others. Sometimes, I ask my already poor, at times idle brain,..

”Why don’t I have her looks? Aiyo, where she buy her baju ah? Damn nice lah. Sure got my size wan!

Eh, why am I so stupid ah?? Count properly oso cannot meh? Still have to count with my fingers ah?

She’s dark skinned, but she’s got nice hair colour… I want oso lah! Even if it’ll cost me and arm and a leg!

Man, check out her new handphone? Brand new Samsung S4…, and I look down at mine which has probably seen better days.

And I go sigh, and I start dialing my husband to ask for a new one. See? Menyusahkan org lain sebab diri tak pernah puas hati dengan apa yang DAH kita ada. Tapi lagi suka tengok apa yang kita takde.

This is me wearing GREEN, brand label, ENVY!

And it’ll continue to manifest itself and on day you’ll end up having like 10 handphones, an over treated lion mane, and clothes that don’t fit. Common these isn’t it? 

I’ve gotta stop underestimating myself. I do have other qualities/ possession that other people don’t. Do you know how ludicrous it sounds to be naming off all the qualities that other people have when you don’t even think of doing it to yourself? Stop focusing on others. Jealousy is an art of counting someone else's blessings instead your own. It’s a disgusting habit to have. 

And if you can’t count, buy a calculator.

Stop Holding Grudges.

I’ve live a life with hate in my heart and ended up hurting myself more than the people I hate.

I imagine one of the reasons I had clung on to hate so stubbornly, I figured, was because, once the hate is gone, I will be forced to deal with the pain that comes at the end of it. So, after hating someone, I held on to the next remedy. Holding a grudge and at it, I AM a PRO. It’s still something that I’m grappiling with and I need to let go. Forgiveness is the answer…, let go, find peace and liberate myself. And move the fuck on with life.

Gotta stop wasting time explaining myself to others

Aha!!! Simple. The people around me don’t need it, and my enemies won’t believe it anyway so why the hell bother explaining myself? I’ll just do what’s right in my heart and stop waiting for approval. Do what I want and live my life. Yes, it is that easy.  Try it.

I ain’t Perfect

Nobody is. God knows I'm not either. I've made tons of stupid mistakes, and later I regretted them of course but of course went on made bigger ones,over and over again, thousands of times; with a stubborn feeling of complete hollow joy and a vicious self-hatred. But even so, every time, I learned something about myself, so how bad can that be?

I wanna called the baddie but in a way enticing, and in a good way that also comforts. A mischief but is the warmth of everybody’s heart. I wanna have lived perfectly imperfect.

The REAL world doesn’t reward perfectionistsw,I’ll get rewarded when I get things done. I would hate it being labeled the”detergent commercial housewife” or a friends who’s plastic who wants everything in perfect order all the time. I ain’t perfect and I don’t ever want to be called perfect. It’s a disgrace to be called such a thing and even worse, to live up to other people’s expectation of you being that perfect! I know that I’m a warm and loving person with a good heart. I’m perfectly imperfect!

Blaming Others for My Troubles.

Bersalah, Tuan Arif. Saya memang suka  salahkan orang tapi tak pernah diri saya. People leave because they can’t take my crap anymore and who wouldn’t? To be constantly placed in the dock for the tiniest of faults, few harmless acts, I’ve been down that road all too many times. It’s like having their under a guillotine for even voicing out their grouses about me. 

I somehow, conciously or unconsciously blamed others for my troubles, and why not? It was the perfect device to instantly make me feel better and in a situation that I cannot control,had hoped to gain a little sympathy. Or a smidgen of compassion that I didn’t have before? Who would want to “kesian” a mega blaming bitch to begin with? So, there I was, cold, isolated and desperate for something I knew I couldn't have.

A solution.  A remedy.  Anything.

I hated it. Alone and confused was the last place I wanted to be.

Somehow I knew I deserved this. I have no one to blame but myself. Sendiri cari pasal nape??? When I blame others for what I’m going through, I’m denying myself responsibility for my own life.

If I could turn back time, I would get me self a slab and smack me head! I was that that big a fool.

Then.

Continuation....

Hey, I’m back from coffee heaven, did a few chores and napped.

So, let’s get a move on with my list shall we?

I’ve gotta stop trying to hold onto the past.

Yup, this is probably the worst fault that I had lugged in me throughout my life. I’ve had a rather colorful past, juvenile delinquent, dejected wife, betrayal by friends and family, you name it, I’ve been through all things painful. Because I was so unforgiving and too busy being angry, I’ve lost friends, lovers, and I almost lost my husband to this heinous act of mine. I became this mega bitch who was hell bent in getting even that I just wouldn’t stop and it just ate everyone up,and over time, tore myself apart/  When my friends hauled their asses out the door when they couldn’t take me anymore, (though some were just pure ASSESS to begin with, so I’ll just let them go to hell). The fact that I was so unbending to any kind of worthy gestures because I was afraid they had ulterior motives. Let me tell you, I was a GONER ------ till that list came up. And let me tell you, I lost them all.

Can you just imagine the pain that I put everyone through so that I could achieve revenge? More often than not, people make mistakes but people can also change. Some can be stubborn asses,  some belligerent idiots, some just spoiling for a fight. How can I start the next chapter of my life when I keep re-reading my last???? The past is nothing but a tumour that it will fester inside of you like cancer.  One thing. Learn to love the "swine" you’re with and you’ll see a cosmic change, this I promise you. Remember, I ain’t perfect to begin with so why so memilih??? I have to avoid making too lengthy meditation on the past and just get a move on.

To those poor souls I had unwillingly hurt, I am very sorry. To those useless ones, you better not be making comeback if you know what’s good for you.

Gotta Stop being scared of fucking up

Is something I’ve done over and over again. It’s like a disease I tell you. But lemme say this, doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing am I right? I do hold a success story or two at my disposal, but there’s also a trail of failures behind it as well. I reckon that I will regret the things that I did NOT do far more than the things I did. So why so takut??

Gotta stop trying to buy happiness, or affection.

Guilty as charged and it ain’t worth it. The things that really satisfy me are totally free. Plus, never ask a guy/girl to love you or love you back. It’s pointless and it ain’t worth shit in the end.

Stop Being Idle.

Lazy. 

Slothful.

Ah, it brings back memories. Being “idle” when I’m home alone and bored, my mind takes flight and wandering too far off for my own good. I tend to create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Gotta learn to evaluate situation and take decisive actions. Is it worth getting your mind jammed with doubts and for no good a reason? Yup, lost some friends because of this also. I can’t change what I refuse to confront. Loneliness is not lack of company, but lack of purpose. Period.

Stop rejecting new friendships just because old one didn’t work

I believe there is a purpose for everyone I meet or have met. Some are complete idiots, some are genuinely into me. Some has tested me, taught me, some used me. But the best kinds are the ones who brought out the best in me. The moment that I feel  like that I have to prove my worth to someone, it is the moment for me to absolutely walk away. They ain’t worth the effort I tell ya’. For this, I gotta thank my dear sister, Zurina. You’re my rock and although we’re in different time zones, you can always, always make me laugh. I love you.

Well, duty calls so I’ll catch up with you later folks!

30 Things That I Should Stop Doing To Myself

Ever so often, I ask myself.

When I stop chasing the wrong things, I’m giving the right things to catch me….

And my mind takes flight.

I read a newspaper article a while back and was intrigued by this woman who said “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Well, I thought she couldn’t have said it more accurately and definitely at the most opportune time I should add. You see, I’ve been a crossroad lately, well actually throughout my adult life. (not trying to sound like Oprah here) I was incessantly trying to figure out how I came about this life that I’m living. Life ain’t all that bad but I felt that something was holding me back and I can seem to pinpoint what it was. Why is that I couldn’t make a move on? I made list of the things that has been bothering me for years and started writing it all down. In the end, I had almost 30 things of what I feel is holding me back throughout the years.  Please bear with me as you go through me on this as I can’t cramp it all in at once but I will try my best. Afterall, my best is all I have to give. (That’s in the list too,,,)

After almost a week busy workin’ my brain on the list, I finally came out with a few interesting things about myself that has been on "sleep" mode all because I was too big of an ass to face….

Stop spending time with ASSES.

Oh, man!!!! Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of me. Sometimes u have annoying friends,, maybe irritating neighbours, perhaps a cantankerous family member who’s so hard to fend off bcoz you don’t want to hurt their feelings and bla..bla…bla..? Well, ditch em’. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your own. If they want you in your life, they’ll make room for you. I realize that I shouldn’t stoop so low and fight for a spot. If you really can’t shake them off, then its time tell them to take their annoying, bothersome behaviour and shove it where the sun don’t shine. Period. Just do it.

Face My Fear

Which I have have an affair with throughout my life. Running or hiding from will not solve anything and it’ll definitely come back and bite your sweet behind! There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them, me included. I can’t instantly solve problems especially they’re been festering inside you for way too long kan? That’s not how I’m made. But thhats the whole purpose of living- problems, learn, adapt and solve them over the course of time and I know I’ve been at this crossroad for as long as I can remember. So what do I do from now on? Face them head on. Well, except cockroaches, that one i cannot tahan lah....

Gotta Stop Lying To Me Self

I can lie to anyone in the world, but I c an’t lie to myself.

Yup, and age old ayat hikmah that I carry. My life will only improve when I take chances, and being honwst with yourself is high on the “to do” list. I’m still working on mine though.

ME, the back-burner

I realize after all the donkey years that I’ve lived and of course losing myself in the process of loving someone too much, I forgot that I’m bloody special too. Of course lah, u can help others, but also help yourself up too and why the hell not???? Why is it a crime to make myself happy? Sorry for being blunt here but is it because I’m a wife and a mom whose sole duty is to be the sacrificial lamb for others? My mother used to tell me that she sacrificed her happiness so that we could have hers and I’m thinking, how silly can you be, mom? Probably the worst advice she has ever given me I reckon. Look what’s happening now? Your kids sucked the happy outta you that you have none left! If you want to give happiness away to someone, do it with content. Yes, I do love my children and will do whatever it takes to get them through life and this is the one trait that I do not want them to carry. HAPPINESS. This self- sacrificial crap I dah tak mau pakai. I want my kids to grow up happy, happy and filled with nothing but with happiness.  I don’t want them to be crying in a corner waiting for their life to start just because they put in their own need in second place. I will not have that and neither should you. Shouldn’t  slave your way through life. Sail it, swim through it, whatever, but please fucking DO IT NOW!!!!!

Alrighty then, I’ve got to make myself happy now and going to brew some coffee. I will of course update you later on the list as soon I’m back from caffeine heaven. Afterall, life starts after coffee right?

Love you.

A Daughter's Tribute

Last Saturday, a woman out jogging with her teenage daughter fended off 2 assailants while trying to buy enough time for her daughter to escape but lost her life in the end. She was stabbed 6 times during the attempted robbery while her daughter watched in horror as her mother was ruthlessly attacked. This is a heart wrenching yet poignant post her daughter had written as a tribute to her late mother.  

My mother, my hero

I remember. I remember everything.

A few months ago in English class, my teacher asked us to write about the person who we admire. I wrote about my mum. A month ago for my English March Test paper, the topic I wrote about was “My Hero”. I wrote about my mum. During my test, I had writer’s block so I simply wrote out everything i knew about my mum: her childhood, achievements, etc. My mum is my hero. She always has been, she always will be.

20th April 2013.

Mama left early in the morning for some event her Kiwanis Club’s K-Kids had planned. She came back home with lunch for me and Milo ais. I remember grumbling to her because I didn’t want to follow my parents jungle trekking. I did anyway. We had to set up a trail for my father’s running group so mama was carrying a bag with just plain paper in it. I remember grumbling to my mum as we went up and down the hills of Gasing. She told me we’d be out soon. After two hours of trekking in the jungle, we finally hit the road. It was the road in Gasing leading up to the temple. We decided to walk back down to the car.

As we walked down the steep road, there was nobody there. No people, no cars. Just the two of us. As we nearly reached the first house, we heard a motorbike sound from behind. We turned around and saw two men on a motorbike. Mama said walk further in onto the pavement so we did. As the motorbike drove past us, they stopped. The man from behind jumped off. My mum pushed me to the back and told me to go. The man attacked my mum straight away, without saying any words. The knife he used was just a normal kitchen knife, the blade was about 10cm long. As my mum tried to protect herself, she turned to her left, only to be stabbed twice on the back of her right shoulder. She was struggling to escape. The attacker then proceeded to stab the back of her left shoulder. Mama tried so hard to escape. She fell on the ground and the attacker pulled her on the road and stabbed her thigh. I tried to help but the attacker thrust the knife my way so I ran back further. I couldn’t do anything but scream at the top of my lungs. I screamed and screamed. The attacker hopped on the bike and rode off.

I remember.

I remember watching my mum’s body lying on the road, all the blood oozing out. The attacker did not manage to get any of my mum’s belongings. She told me to call my dad. I ran down the hill looking for help. The first house I went to, the maid (who saw everything that happened) ran in and did not even try to help me. I ran further down and saw a car. They saw me and stopped. And I told them what happened. The driver, Mr Lai, told me to get in and we drive up to my mum. Mr Lai called the ambulance and the police while I tried to keep my mum conscious. There was blood everywhere. My mum just kept saying “save me”. Her voice was so week. My dad reached the site 10 minutes later, after running all the way. Mama kept telling us that she couldn’t breathe. I prayed and prayed. She was slowly losing herself. We tried our best to keep her awake and conscious. The police arrived. We put her in the police car since the ambulance hadn’t arrived. As we reached down the road, the ambulance was there so they transferred mum into the ambulance.

I remember.

I remember sitting in the ambulance, holding my mum’s hand and trying to talk to her but she didn’t respond. I remember crying. The paramedics were doing all they could do at that point. I remember calling Eu Lim, who was at church to pray for my mum. We reached the hospital in three minutes. They rushed my mum to the emergency was. I wasn’t allowed to enter and I was so, so scared. My dad had followed Mr Lai’s car and they hadn’t reached yet. I had to settle my mum’s registration and then I had to talk to the police. My dad arrived. Then my friends arrived. I sat at the doorway of the hospital, praying and praying. 10 minutes later, my dad came out and told me my mum didn’t make it. I dropped in the middle of the hospital floor, screaming. Everyone was looking at me, but I didn’t care. A bunch of doctors came out to get me; they took me to a special room. They questioned me and they told me about how my mum was already gone when we were in the ambulance. They tried their best to revive her.

I remember.

I remember coming home. My friends just sat in silence. I just sat in silence. I was covered in blood, mama’s blood. I had to get myself together. I had to bathe. We broke the news to my sister through Face Time and that was really hard to do. Slowly, people started coming. It was hard seeing my aunts and uncles cry, my parent’s close friends, my close friends and to know I had to keep it all together. It was really hard, telling my story to everyone. It’s really hard to even close my eyes for awhile because i see it replaying in my head over and over again. Watching my mum lying in her pool of blood and not being able to do anything. Not being able to save her.

People come, then people leave. All I hear is “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “my condolences”. All I hear is people questioning me about what happened, since I was the sole witness. But I am so tired of telling this story over and over again. I am so tired of hearing other people tell this story. This is my story. This is the truth. Newspapers and reporters may twist it around and exaggerate to the whole world, but this story will remain the truth forever.

I am truly grateful and appreciative to everyone who came, whether it was for a short period, or a long time. Thank you to those who’ve brought a little bit more of hope and joy to me, even though you guys didn’t try. Thank you to those who’ve brought food and drinks, and flowers. Thank you to everyone who called, texted, Whatsapped, Facebook-ed and tweeted me. I don’t know how i became a trending topic overnight (#prayforhuiwei). I was mad at first, but then I realised how much my family had all of your love and support. Whether i know you or not, whether you knew my mum or not, all your kind words really helped. My mother was such an amazing and beautiful person.

I remember.

My mum’s last words to me were “I love you so much” dying there, on the road. I watched it all. I watched it all slip out of my hands. Now my life feels so empty. I keep thinking to myself that this is all a dream. Maybe I’d wake up and be able to avoid this from happening. Maybe if someone pinched me I’d wake up from this nightmare. But this is reality, and I have to face the facts. I have to face the fact that I’m alone now. I have to face the sounds of crying and wailing from the other room. I have to face the facts that I’m going to grow up motherless, clueless and confused. It won’t be easy, but I will get through this.

Ma,

I love you so much. And I am so sorry I had to watch you die. I am so sorry I couldn’t save you. But you’re with God now. Ma you’re such a great person. Beautiful inside and out. And I thank you for teaching me your ways. Thank you for always teaching (scolding) me to be a better person. Even though we’ve had our moments, and times we didn’t see eye to eye, you’ll always be my best friend. Who’s going to pick me up from school now? Who am I going to say “HEY MA” to and tell them about my day? Who’s going to cuddle up with me on the couch and be lazy for awhile?

Ma,

Remember how you used to come into my room while I was studying, and hug me then tickle me. Remember how you used to sing me to sleep when I was young. Or how you used sing when you’re happy. You had a beautiful voice. Remember how we sat on the couch, looking for coloured beads to do arts and crafts. Remember every single day we spent together.

Ma,

I just saw your body, lying in the coffin. You look so beautiful, peaceful, just like you’re sleeping. And I have the biggest urge to scream “wake up”. Thank you, Ma. For giving me life, for giving me love. You taught me everything good in my life. You were always selfless, God-fearing. You were my strong pillar of hope and love. And even though you’re no longer here with us, you’re with God. And you’re happy, just like how you appeared in Lissa’s dream. And I do hope justice will be served. They’re working on finding the criminals, ma. They will be caught.

We all miss you, ma, we miss you so much. Goh Ee and Sar Ee has already appointed themselves as my “mama” and I see you so much of you in them. And it’s not going to be the same anymore. Nothing will be the same anymore. You’re not going to watch me graduate, you’re not going to watch me get married. You’re not going to be there to take care of my children. But I know you are with us in spirit, and you’re always watching over us. Please give me the strength and courage to move forward with my life. Please give me the motivation to be better. To be more like you. To spread the love and joy. Papa, Tache and I will always be grateful for you are the biggest blessing God has given. And maybe you’ve done too much good so The Lord called you home. And you are safe now, safe with God. He will watch over you (and us) and protect you. You are safe from all the evil now.

I will make you proud, mama. I will make everyone proud. I love you so much. I’ll love you every single day of my life, and I’ll never forget whatever you’ve done for me. Thank you so much. Rest in peace, mama, I love you.

* This is a post written by Hui Wei on the blog, “the ugly truth”.

Penang Food Trip

They say pictures are worth a thousand words. Here are some pictures during our recent food trip to Penang. Enjoy!

Entertaining the girls in the car.

Our first stop..R&;R, Bkt Gantang. Light bfast.

Our first stop in Penang. Nasi Padang Transfer Road. They serve the best Padang dishes and the Cencaru Sumbat is a definitely a must try. Addictive!

Just something amusing I saw while walking to Swatow Lane. I couldn't resist taking  a snap.

Idah, Aida enjoying their food!

Ais kacang Swatow Lane. The rojak was so-so je...

Goofing around with my sister in the hotel room. She wanted me to strangle her, and I did what I was told.

Me checking in with loved ones back home.

Mazlan teaching us on how to use We-Chat. He knows a whole lot which made us look like losers. Apparently, What'sApp is sooooooo old skool.

My cousin, Mazlan came down to where we were. Fort Cornwallis to have Mee Pata that we heard so much about but we came too late. Damn!

Our first dinner in Penang. Rudy's. Located in Tg. Bungah.

Digging in!

Finally a picture of  the Fab Five together. Taken @Kg. Dodol (our kampung) at a cousin's engagement party.

Doesn't THAT look yummylicious???

Isn't she lovely? Love her to bits.

Goofing around with my late father's sister, my darling Oli. She brought us up.

Bfast, 2nd Day. Apom Teloq Pulau Tikus. Ultimate delight!

Nasi Kandar, Transfer Road. Look out for this mamak when you're there and be here by 8am or earlier coz there's usually none left by 9.30am. He's at this Chinese  Kopitiam ,
right beside the Nasik Padang Shop.(opposite Caltex)

Which we brought over to this restaurant to eat. We have apom telor, nasik kandaq Transfer Rd, and we're about to have roti canai here. They say it's the best in Penang.

They weren't joking. Roti canai here is to die for! Be sure to order the Ayam Merah to go with it...
or the mutton curry! Seen here with our precious cargo from Transfer Road.

Coconut shake to cool off. The stall is named Mee Goreng Edgecumbe along Gurney Drive.

The girls chilling out with a breath taking view of Gurney Drive.

Sup Bamia. You can only get this in Kg. Dodol, which is where my kampung is.
A must have every Raya for my family. Having rendang, ketupat during Raya is considered an insult to the whole family. We take our food here pretty seriously folks!

You eat bamia with roti benggali and a dash of tokyu (kicap lah)

Tea at Bangkok Lane. This is a MUST  have. Addictive and soooooo sedap!

Our dinner. The Mother lode of all Nasik Kandaqs!

Had a blast with our cousin, Mazlan & family. He treated the girls with nasik kandaq. Thank you!

Enough said!

I'll said it anyway. YOU MUST TRY THIS!

Our last meal before we left for KL. It's in Penang Road.

Me and the gang. Love you guys!

Couldn't have anymore curry so we took the Briyani instead. Don't forget to sample their famous Ayam Ros.
S-E-D-A-P!!!

Their chicken briyani is very, very tender and moist. Try it!